It’s the dawn of a new age. At least, it is the dawn of my new age.

30.

I still feel like I’m trying that on for size. Figuring out how it fits. Checking it out from all angles to see if it looks different. It sure feels different.

I woke up this morning with 30 dancing around inside me, assimilating itself into my being. Will I stand straighter at 30? Be more secure? Will I finally know the answers to all the questions?

Most birthdays are just birthdays. 30 has some weight to it. No doubt about it, 30 is aeons older than 29. Does this mean I’m finally a real grownup, not just some poser with a husband and kids, struggling to look like I know what I’m doing?

I’m in a peculiar place today. Looking back at the last decade of my life, and looking forward at the decade ahead. Memories and anticipation and nostalgia and excitement all jumbled up into one mixed-up birthday daydream.

I’m happy about 30. Really happy. Sure, now and then I catch sight of the fine lines that run across my forehead, or the wrinkles that are starting to radiate out from my eyes and I wonder – who is this person? Can we zip back in time to a place when her skin was smooth and her stomach was flat and she hadn’t a care in the world? [Although, come to think of it, she often – with great melodrama and no small dose of delusion - imagined the weight of said world rested firmly on her shoulders, such were the imagined difficulties of her young life].

But no. I wouldn’t do that. Not in a million more birthdays would I want to go backwards in life, to a time when I knew less and was less and did less and loved less and lived less. No. Now is where it is at. Now is always better than then. What is to come is so deliciously unknown, so much potential, so many things that could happen, might happen, will happen. Why would anyone go back?

I’m going forward. Barreling ahead. Taking on my 30’s with far more gusto than I possessed in my 20’s. I know, without anyone telling me, that the years ahead hold treasures untold. I am so much more than I was at 20, so much stronger than I was at 25, so much more fulfilled than I was at 27, so much more complete than I was yesterday. Always more complete than yesterday.

How could I not be excited about my future?

I have a place in the world now, in a way I didn’t ten years ago. I’ve grown into myself. My feet are firmly planted, my mind is clearer, my heart is a thousand times more full.

At 20 I was just starting to grow wings. Now I’m learning to fly. By 40 I plan to be soaring.

Sure, I’m still mixed up and confused and occasionally beyond messed up. Probably always will be. But now I’m able to claim my mixed up, confused and messed up self. I can say: This is who I am. This is how I am. This is who I’d like to be. Care to join me on my journey?

I’m not so deluded as to think the next ten years will be smooth sailing. There will be upsets and angst and heartbreak. I’ll lose my path a time or two (or twenty). I’ll miss the point, open the wrong door, walk right by the opportunity with my eyes closed. But what I know now is that I’ll come out of it all. I’ll come out of it wiser and stronger and better. Even when I feel that I am broken, shattered, lost and alone – I know I won’t be that way forever.

My life at 30:
I have love.
I have passion.
I have family
I have all the creature comforts I need, and a bunch more just for fun.
I have a tribe.
I have purpose.
I have direction and vision and goals.
I have found and started my life’s work.
I am getting to know myself and slowly, oh so slowly, learning to be okay with me.
I am learning, always learning.
I am humbled
I am blessed.

What does the decade ahead hold for me? Who knows…

Bring it on, baby.