I’ve been getting some really nice comments on my photography. It makes me (an admitted approval whore) feel really good. To know that there are people who appreciate something that is bringing me such joy – well that is just plain cool. I feel like maybe I’m on the right track, and that gives me the incentive to keep working and trying to improve.

Mostly though, I end up feeling like I’m putting one over on you all - like you just don’t realize that I’m really not that great.

Note: This is not that annoyingly insincere form of self-deprecation designed to extract praise. (You know, when you say I’m good, and I say I’m bad, and you say “no, you’re really good” and I say ‘nah, I suck, really” and you say ‘really, you’re good” and I say “please, I’m the most terrible, horrible, awful excuse for a xyz that ever existed and I should be taken out back and shot before anyone lets me try again” and you say “sheesh woman, get some therapy already, I’m so over your shit*” and then I say “okay, so I’m not really the most terrible horrible, awful excuse for a xyz that ever existed and I shouldn’t really be taken out back and shot before anyone lets me try again” and you breath a sigh of relief that finally this nonsense is over until I quietly mumble under my breath “but I’m really not good you know”).

I’m a perfectionist. Worse than that – I’m a perfectionist with terribly low self-esteem and sometimes debilitating co-dependent leanings. A vicious combination, to be sure.

I don’t like doing anything that doesn’t live up to my (often unrealistic) standards. I get down on myself a lot because I don’t usually measure up to my own lofty ideals. As I result, I often end up doing absolutely nothing. Why risk doing something badly if you can sit on your ass and beat up on yourself for not doing anything at all?

Photography is no different. There is SO much to learn, so much to absorb, so much to remember. I’m a serial underexposer, and I have a serious problem with focus. I’m pretty mediocre at Photoshop, and sometimes I think I’ll never get it all together. In the photography forum I frequent there are so many incredible artists, individuals who possess impressive technique and an enviable awareness of their own personal style. When I look at their photographs I alternate between being mesmerized, inspired and depressed!

I’m my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic.**

I just came across an article that summed up my feelings fairly well: “The Fraud Factor”. It is directed at entrepreneurs rather than photographers, but anyone who has ever tried anything new and difficult can probably relate.

“The Fraud Factor” is a feeling most entrepreneurs have when they’re still relatively new to business. It’s a sensation that what they’re doing isn’t really real. Because what they’re doing is unfamiliar, it often feels as if they’re posing or playing a part. That often makes them feel like they’re incapable, clumsy, a fraud – no matter how good they are at what they do. “

That is it for me. I’m not a photographer, I just own a nice camera and take lots of pictures. A handful of those turn out well – must be dumb luck and perseverance. I can’t lay claim to any particular talent and take credit for what I’ve produced. Can I?

I love photography, and capturing life and seeing the spirit and personality of my subjects come alive in the finished photo. When will I give myself permission to own my passion and talent*** and feel improved enough in my skill-set to call myself a Photographer?

Another example I’ve insisted more than once to many people that I’m not really a writer– I’m just someone who writes (MB is a writer, and so is Terrible Mother and my newspaper writing friend Beth and the always articulate and talented Michelle H.). Because writing is my escape and my sanity and my art – can I not claim the title Writer?

Perhaps I can and should call myself both writer and photographer, but I don’t. I don’t because it would feel presumptuous. I don’t, because it would feel fake. Perhaps most importantly, I don’t include those titles as part of my identity because doing so would leave me exposed and vulnerable. If I call myself a writer or photographer, than all of a sudden I’ve opened myself up to more scrutiny, higher expectations and (most difficult of all) potential criticism. As long as I’m just playing at writing and picture taking I’m somewhat sheltered. I am putting my craft out into cyberspace, but as long as I’m an amateur I won’t be held to professional standards – and there is safety and comfort in that.

Why do I feel this way? I know it is not just me. I also know that this post started out being about photography, but you and I both know that it is really about so much more.

Why do we as women, feel so undeserving of praise and applause? Even when we crave the affirmation and recognition, why are we so willing to sweep our efforts and our abilities under the carpet? Why are we willing to believe that everyone else deserves the limelight more than we do? Why don’t we spend more time shouting from the rooftops that we’re damn amazing and fantastic and thrilled with our own goddess-self? What does it take to get ourselves out from under the crushing weight of our own perceived inadequacies?

I shared this quote recently in my Bliss entry – but it seems fitting here as well:

“Our fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not out darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”–Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (1992)

So – what is your Fraud Factor? What particular skill or talent have you not claimed as your own? What passion do you need to own? Why don’t you own it?

And – just for fun….why don’t we take some time to build each other up a little. If you know someone who regularly reads this blog – send them a little lovin’ and tell us what you admire about them, their skills, their passion, their talents.

I’m going for warm fuzzies all around here people – and I won’t leave you alone till I get there.

____________

*Sorry mom, I had to. Sometimes &^%$ just won’t do.

**At least, I sure hope I am. A request to the universe: If there is anyone out there more critical of me than me – please don’t ever let me find out about it. Ignorance is most assuredly bliss.

***See, I even felt hesitant to say talent – it felt presumptuous to even presume talent at this point. This goes deep my friends, very deep.