The Fraud Factor
I’ve been getting some really nice comments on my photography. It makes me (an admitted approval whore) feel really good. To know that there are people who appreciate something that is bringing me such joy – well that is just plain cool. I feel like maybe I’m on the right track, and that gives me the incentive to keep working and trying to improve.
Mostly though, I end up feeling like I’m putting one over on you all - like you just don’t realize that I’m really not that great.
Note: This is not that annoyingly insincere form of self-deprecation designed to extract praise. (You know, when you say I’m good, and I say I’m bad, and you say “no, you’re really good” and I say ‘nah, I suck, really” and you say ‘really, you’re good” and I say “please, I’m the most terrible, horrible, awful excuse for a xyz that ever existed and I should be taken out back and shot before anyone lets me try again” and you say “sheesh woman, get some therapy already, I’m so over your shit*” and then I say “okay, so I’m not really the most terrible horrible, awful excuse for a xyz that ever existed and I shouldn’t really be taken out back and shot before anyone lets me try again” and you breath a sigh of relief that finally this nonsense is over until I quietly mumble under my breath “but I’m really not good you know”).
I’m a perfectionist. Worse than that – I’m a perfectionist with terribly low self-esteem and sometimes debilitating co-dependent leanings. A vicious combination, to be sure.
I don’t like doing anything that doesn’t live up to my (often unrealistic) standards. I get down on myself a lot because I don’t usually measure up to my own lofty ideals. As I result, I often end up doing absolutely nothing. Why risk doing something badly if you can sit on your ass and beat up on yourself for not doing anything at all?
Photography is no different. There is SO much to learn, so much to absorb, so much to remember. I’m a serial underexposer, and I have a serious problem with focus. I’m pretty mediocre at Photoshop, and sometimes I think I’ll never get it all together. In the photography forum I frequent there are so many incredible artists, individuals who possess impressive technique and an enviable awareness of their own personal style. When I look at their photographs I alternate between being mesmerized, inspired and depressed!
I’m my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic.**
I just came across an article that summed up my feelings fairly well: “The Fraud Factor”. It is directed at entrepreneurs rather than photographers, but anyone who has ever tried anything new and difficult can probably relate.
“The Fraud Factor” is a feeling most entrepreneurs have when they’re still relatively new to business. It’s a sensation that what they’re doing isn’t really real. Because what they’re doing is unfamiliar, it often feels as if they’re posing or playing a part. That often makes them feel like they’re incapable, clumsy, a fraud – no matter how good they are at what they do. “
That is it for me. I’m not a photographer, I just own a nice camera and take lots of pictures. A handful of those turn out well – must be dumb luck and perseverance. I can’t lay claim to any particular talent and take credit for what I’ve produced. Can I?
I love photography, and capturing life and seeing the spirit and personality of my subjects come alive in the finished photo. When will I give myself permission to own my passion and talent*** and feel improved enough in my skill-set to call myself a Photographer?
Another example I’ve insisted more than once to many people that I’m not really a writer– I’m just someone who writes (MB is a writer, and so is Terrible Mother and my newspaper writing friend Beth and the always articulate and talented Michelle H.). Because writing is my escape and my sanity and my art – can I not claim the title Writer?
Perhaps I can and should call myself both writer and photographer, but I don’t. I don’t because it would feel presumptuous. I don’t, because it would feel fake. Perhaps most importantly, I don’t include those titles as part of my identity because doing so would leave me exposed and vulnerable. If I call myself a writer or photographer, than all of a sudden I’ve opened myself up to more scrutiny, higher expectations and (most difficult of all) potential criticism. As long as I’m just playing at writing and picture taking I’m somewhat sheltered. I am putting my craft out into cyberspace, but as long as I’m an amateur I won’t be held to professional standards – and there is safety and comfort in that.
Why do I feel this way? I know it is not just me. I also know that this post started out being about photography, but you and I both know that it is really about so much more.
Why do we as women, feel so undeserving of praise and applause? Even when we crave the affirmation and recognition, why are we so willing to sweep our efforts and our abilities under the carpet? Why are we willing to believe that everyone else deserves the limelight more than we do? Why don’t we spend more time shouting from the rooftops that we’re damn amazing and fantastic and thrilled with our own goddess-self? What does it take to get ourselves out from under the crushing weight of our own perceived inadequacies?
I shared this quote recently in my Bliss entry – but it seems fitting here as well:
“Our fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not out darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”–Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (1992)
So – what is your Fraud Factor? What particular skill or talent have you not claimed as your own? What passion do you need to own? Why don’t you own it?
And – just for fun….why don’t we take some time to build each other up a little. If you know someone who regularly reads this blog – send them a little lovin’ and tell us what you admire about them, their skills, their passion, their talents.
I’m going for warm fuzzies all around here people – and I won’t leave you alone till I get there.
____________
*Sorry mom, I had to. Sometimes &^%$ just won’t do.
**At least, I sure hope I am. A request to the universe: If there is anyone out there more critical of me than me – please don’t ever let me find out about it. Ignorance is most assuredly bliss.
***See, I even felt hesitant to say talent – it felt presumptuous to even presume talent at this point. This goes deep my friends, very deep.
Okay, in the same vein as the comments you’ve made here:
“I’m not a mother. I’m just someone who gave birth to some kids.”
Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn’t it?
Yes, you are a writer… and a photographer… and a mother. And a pretty fine one at that, of all those things. I give you permission to give yourself permission to own it all!
Comment by Melinda — 05.29.06 @ 12:58:33
You’ve touched a raw nerve with this post. I think I must be a similar personality “type”. I’m a perfectionist with low self esteem.
I am so fearful of any criticism or being seen as “imperfect” that I have no motivation to even try and do the things I love. In fact, I have so successfully buried my passions I don’t even know what they are anymore.
I was paralysed by your “Bliss” post (which I loved by the way) because I couldn’t work out what my bliss was. I feel so out of touch with myself and I don’t know how to get back in touch.
Motherhood has only complicated my journey because my passion has become my children - and yet I seek for passion outside and independent of them.
It’s a tough journey and I’m still waiting for the answers to come to me (yes, this is another problem - I let life happen to me, rather than directing my life in the direction I want it to go).
Thought provoking.
Comment by Em — 05.29.06 @ 3:51:44
I was also touched by the “Bliss” post, but could not come up with anything to write…What is my bliss…I don’t have one, or at least I don’t know what it is if I do. What is my talent? like bliss I don’t know, I don’t feel that I have any, I have spent so much of my life wanting one thing and knowing that when I had it it would be my talent and bliss that I haven’t worked on anything else. I have spent so much time thinking that when I had that one thing my life would be fantastic, that I wouldn’t need anything else, and I would be complete… The only thing is…what do I do with my life until that comes along? What do I make my talent and bliss in the mean time? I don’t know… I guess I have more thinking to do. What will my talent and bliss be while I’m waiting for my future talent and bliss?????
Comment by Lynn — 05.29.06 @ 5:46:41
Oh yeah. My recent quest to go veggie leaves me feeling imperfect. I don’t feel worthy to call myself a vegetarian on day five. I must give myself at least a month, right?
Why do women feel this way? Well, obviously, this problem isn’t left to just women. However, I do think on a very deep level it’s due to the male dominated theocracy (and subsequent societal structure), whose standards many of us judge ourselves against. We are constantly looking for approval from a “male” energy whose messages we sometimes interpret as telling us couldn’t possibly be good enough (hello original sin!). What if there was a female goddess energy that we could relate to, telling us we were loved and perfect no matter what? A feminine goddess that would give us a sense of empowerment, that we could look to for a model for self-worth, success, love? That would take us into her arms in our moments of vulnerability, when we just don’t feel perfect enough, and tell us we alone are enough. I think this goddess is within each of us.
“You are enough. You are a beautiful human being. You are enough. You have a personality, humanity, a way of being in the world that is yours and no one else’s, and that makes you precious and loved and loveable. You are enough. You are something of unique and inestimable value. Within your own heart there is a sparkling, twinkling light of worth, dignity, beauty, and love.” - Kenneth W. Collier
Years ago, I was given a new road map of sorts when I read Deepak’s Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I found inspiration to “be enough” and found particular wisdom in his “Law of Detachment” This is not to say there are times I don’t struggle with it. But overall, I admit that living in the present also helps us to live by our own light…and that light is always “enough”.
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – the amazing Anna Quindlen
J - you are, indeed, good enough.
Comment by Leigh — 05.29.06 @ 5:58:46
I feel like this post was written for me to read. I sat down, thinking you hadn’t written anything new since the “Cups” post but surely you’d added something to your photoblog for me to view.
And then I read this.
It’s me. I am also a perfectionist and absolutely will not do anything that I cannot do well. If I try something new, I do it in private until I feel comfortable enough with my new ability to unveil it to the world.
I envy people who just “go for it” in so many aspects of life. I just can’t seem to do it and it hinders and saddens me on many levels.
All that aside, I also enjoy your photography and would love to get to the level where you are. The fact that you are a mom of two young children just like me inspires me. Surely, if Jeanette can find the time and energy to learn what she has, I can as well, I think.
As for calling yourself a writer or a photographer, Karen from Chookooloonks wrote not long ago about that. She said something like once you call yourself by the name, you own it and can therefore become it more fully.
You should try it.
Comment by Lisa P — 05.30.06 @ 1:32:48
This has been such a theme in my life lately. I know that you probably hear this from your mother, but, Flylady.com talks about the perfectionism that disables us from doing anything. How many times have you looked at a messy kitchen or anything else and thought “I don’t have time to do it “correctly”, so, I just won’t do it at all”. This website has banned the P word from it’s vocabulary. When I came to the understanding that it was my fear of not doing something perfectly that stops me, a whole world opened up. Perfectionism has literally disabled me and is the root cause of much of my depression. I admire people who put their imperfect work out there. Wasn’t there a famous artist who purposely put mistakes in each of his works? He felt that perfection was only for God.
Comment by Diane — 05.30.06 @ 2:30:41
I live by the theory “fake it ’till you make it.” I have tons of insecurties and aspirations. When I do something I really want to do I just act like I know what I’m doing and other people start to believe it and then I start to believe it. This has worked for years.
I even told my hubby to try it after he went to law school and he was afraid people at his law office would realize he didn’t know what the hell he was doing. I’d say it took him about 3 years to feel like he deserved to be where he was at.
Oh, good job on the cussing. I knew you could do it! If your mom gives you grief let her know that it was all some horrible person’s bad influence on you.
Comment by Karen — 05.30.06 @ 4:24:31
The thing I tell my writing students about writing is “this class is not about good or bad writing. It’s about submitting yourself to the discipline necessary to write.” This blog is an act of discipline; it takes a committment to yourself and your readership. Moreover, you write well, you articulate feelings, you work at what you have to say and you realize–and this is where most wannabe-writers fail–that your words aren’t perfect, that you can’t always express yourself the way you wish you could. You are a writer, J. What you don’t understand is that this very entry–all the genuine self-doubt–proves it, without a doubt.
Also, I like the Bliss quote, but I just don’t know if I agree with it.
Comment by Terrible Mother — 05.30.06 @ 5:39:51
I appreciate being considered a good writer and a friend to you. I work every day wih writers and photographers and my dear, you are both of those things. I love to hear what you have to say and see the images you’ve captured. I too have a hard time considering myself good enough at the things I love: writing, taking pictures, cooking, mothering … the list goes on.
Comment by Beth — 05.31.06 @ 6:24:19
Having recently started my own business and now in the process of marketing myself, I suffer from this regularly. My best friend, a successful entrepreneur, called it “Imposter Syndrome”, where you are just waiting for everybody to figure out that you really have no idea what you are doing. Interestingly, recognizing that it was a “normal” and common phenomenon makes it alot easier to handle.
Comment by Piglet68 — 07.17.06 @ 5:30:14