Tradition
Growing up, my house was a place that welcomed everyone with open arms, where my friends loved to hang out, where people seemed to always be coming and going. They came for my mother’s famous chocolate chip cookies, they came for my father’s impromptu guitar sing-a-longs, they came for the crazy-people-hanging-from-the rafters, happy noise and loving chaos that permeated every corner of whatever house we called home at the time. Service and giving were not taught as specific lessons, carted out to impress young minds in December and all but forgotten about by January first, but rather were a part of the fabric of our lives. If someone needed money, or food, or a roof over their heads – my saw my parents give to the fullest extent they were able at the time. Always, without question. I had a blessed childhood, full of laughter, physical affection, love and sound, caring and (most importantly) trusting guidance from parents who expected me to know and speak my own mind.
In this childhood home of mine, tradition reigned supreme. Special occasion tradition, normal mundane every day tradition. Events took place in a wonderfully predictable way that you could plan on and count on and gain comfort from. Rituals involved food, religion, games, events, family and friends. For every holiday (but most especially Christmas) there were special things planned, special food to make, and special things to do. Our Christmas traditions grew and changed over time just as our family grew and changed. When we were little my father would read us the Christmas story from our big Children’s Bible on Christmas morning, stockings could be opened first (in pyjamas) but the rest of the presents had to wait till we were dressed and our parents were awake. The emphasis was not on the gifts (except for a few of my particularly greedy adolescent years) but on the wonder of the day itself. We got one gift from Santa, one from our parents, and a stocking full of wonderful surprises. We were never dirt poor, but money was never in great abundance either. We made gifts for family and friends, decorated our tree with a mix of ornaments, many lovingly handmade with great care by my mother or crudely crafted by us kids. We cut down our tree, we welcomed friends to our house after the Christmas Eve Church service for food and music and laughter. We ate a huge Christmas dinner with special fizzy slush to drink and a heavenly frozen concoction called Drumsticks for desert. We welcomed my Muslim friend Ayesha to Christmas dinner one year, danced to Christmas tunes played on an ancient accordion by an even more ancient Polish man another year. We went tobogganing and ice skating, we lit the advent candles in church, we stood together on Christmas Eve, listening as my father led the church in a candlelight rendition of ‘Silent Night’ usually trying to escape the ceaseless teasing of my younger brother Andrew.
No – my life was not always perfect, and yes – it is easy to see the past with rose coloured glasses. But mostly, it was good. My memories of childhood, especially around Christmas, are filled with magic and warmth and love. I want so badly to create the same sort of life, filled with magic and ritual and tradition for my family. I want my children to grow up knowing that being as blessed as we are comes with responsibility to not just give, but to joyously and wholeheartedly give to others less fortunate. I want to cultivate that spirit of service that I saw embodied in the way my parents lived. Somehow though, my inability to focus, or plan or organize combined with my general (endearing) flakiness means that these wishes currently fall under the category of ‘a whole lot of talk and not much action”.
Part of this comes, I know, from my own lack of spiritual direction. I don’t feel like I’ve quite worked out all that I believe yet – and I think that many of the rituals and traditions that bring such beauty and grace into our lives come (either directly or indirectly) from our spiritual beliefs. I feel quite an emotional attachment to the Christian rituals of my childhood, but in all honesty (and I know this may greatly trouble many people reading this) I’ve never been totally comfortable with much of the dogma of organized Christian religion. For me, it’s never quite fit. It’s not that I don’t believe any of it – but rather that I know I believe a whole heck of a lot more. I’m drawn to the ritual of Buddhism, to the history and culture of Judaism and to the foundation of many pagan religions – but don’t know near enough to define my belief system in any concrete way. Without that clear cut definition of who I am spiritually, I find it rather difficult to attach myself to any particular set of spiritual rituals.
Heavy spiritual stuff aside – I’m an idea girl. I’m full of ideas. Great ideas. Big Ideas. Magical Ideas. Ideas that could change the world. However, I suck, suck, suck, suck at follow through. I think or read or dream of all these wonderful things we could do together, all these traditions we could start and carry on year after year. We could go ice skating on Christmas Eve, we could rent Christmas movies and make s’mores and drink homemade cocoa, we could play Secret Santa to a family in need. I make mental notes, I jot them down, and talk to Sam about them, and then – inevitably – I end up forgetting them before they ever become anything more than ideas.
How do you turn an idea into a tradition that will last through the years? The beauty of family ritual is that it is both present and past, both reality and memory all at once. How do I take my random collection of inspiration, my mixed up spiritual leanings and my own personal failings and turn it into the stuff that memories are made of?
I read Brooke and MB’s recent posts with interest, as this topic had already been percolating in my head for some time. I would love to hear from my readers on this one. What do you remember most about your own childhood holidays? Which of these traditions have you carried on for your own family, and what new traditions have you created? Are your rituals religious/spiritual or cultural, centered around food or physical activity? What do you think makes a tradition stand the test of time? What is the best idea for a holiday tradition you’ve heard or read about that you’ve not yet put into action?
I know quite well that intention is often the most vital step, and speaking/writing your intentions can have powerful effects – so in the spirit of the holidays – I intend to actively seek a small collection of activities that appeal to me on different levels, and then work to create the beginnings of my own family traditions. How about you?
We didn’t have a lot of traditions, but my husband’s family does. He comes from a big family, and on Christmas eve, they get a bunch of Boboli pizza crusts and toppings and then people make whatever pizza they want. And on Christmas morning, they have a HUGE breakfast, rather than a huge dinner, so that after the big meal is done they can all relax. I think those are fun traditions.
Comment by Heather — 12.06.06 @ 7:31:00
We struggle with this too. Being such a blended family, it would be a wonder if we didn’t. We have made the solstice celebration at our local UU church part of the tradition - it has dancing and live music and carries through that feeling of wonderment that I remember from my childhood. We do a “solstice tree” and “solstice stockings.” Adri asked me the other day who Hanukkah was, and then told me she wanted to celebrate that too. Like you I worry that I am screwing up my children permanently. But isn’t that our job as parents? Our parents screwed us up and now it’s our turn to perpetuate that.
Comment by Melinda — 12.06.06 @ 3:30:17
I’ve just started reading your blog, a friend sent me the link and this last post regarding the holidays and spirituality really hit home for me. We are currently in the same place, trying to sort out our own beliefs as a family and wondering where that fits in w/ holiday tradition.
Comment by Krista — 12.06.06 @ 3:51:22
I am so much like you in this. Your childhood sounds wonderful. I, too, am full of ideas and lack the planning involved or the follow-through.
Comment by chasmyn — 12.06.06 @ 4:16:28
My family ate homemade chili on Christmas Eve, then went to church, then went out looking at peoples’ light displays then opened presents late at night. I got a gift and stocking from Santa Christmas morning too. I loved all of this ritual. I have maintained this with my family, except we haven’t been going to church with the 3 toddlers (that would be torture). And my husband and I also struggle with organized religion…
Comment by Beth — 12.06.06 @ 5:41:25
Hey Jeanette! I am loving this daily posting! You know I am a lurker by nature, but I am always reading!
Traditions. I love, love traditions. As you may or may not remember I am also a transplant in this country and the x-mas traditions of my native Venezuela are quite different from the ones here in the US. Add to that that my husband’s family is Mexican-American and well, you have a interesting mix.
I am trying very hard to create our own family traditions here in the US while still honoring our Latin roots.
Traditionally, most Latin families celebrate Christmas Eve with a fancy dinner and dancing. My husband’s family does this and it is great fun, so this works out great.
In Venezuela it is baby Jesus who brings you the presents, not Santa. So I am teaching Sofia about both and she’ll get a present from each. Last year I made a big breakfast of Arepas (traditional Venezuelan food) on Christmas morning (with Sofia’s help which is messy but wonderful fun) and I intend for this to be a tradition from now on. I plan to get cute Christmas plates and such this year to make it even more especial.
I usually try to put traditional christmas music while we set up our nativity set and christmas tree and make it a mini party with especial treats and such.
I also struggle with my desire to give and my inability to follow through. One way I’ve found to at least do something is to make care bags for the homeless. It is rather easy and inexpensive and now that Sofia is a bit bigger I plan to involver her in hopes that she understands that it is important to give. I know that it will not solve the homeless problem and that I could do so much more, but I read once on a blog written by a homeless man (at the library if you are wondering where he got the computer) that gettig these care bags mede them feel good and gave them hope that not everyone has given up on them. So I make little baggies with a pair of gloves (from the dollar store) a bar of soap, socks, a scarve,this nifty raincoats that I found that come in a little baggie, a granola bar or a sandwich, etc, etc. And I write on the inside of the bag “I care”. I put them in my car and give them out as I see homeless people on the way. Now, I actually have dreams of involving our friends and family and make this a big event (and do it often, year round)in which we make a TON of these and then we go to the areas of the city where I know there are a lot of homeless people. I hope it becomes a reality one day.
So anyway, sorry to ramble on, but hey you asked! No wonder I am a lurker, when I open my mouth I can’t seem to shut up!
Comment by Libby — 12.06.06 @ 5:52:09
We have a pregnant client right now who is going to have an ultrasound a few days before Christmas, and ask the ultrasound tech to write down if the baby’s a boy or girl. Then they’ll wrap up the piece of paper and open it in Christmas morning. I thought that was so cool
As far as holiday traditions, I love them. My mother is one of twelve kids, and we used to go to my grandparents’ every year for Christmas. On Christmas Eve, all the grandkids (thirty at this point, and counting) would line up on the second floor, in the pitch darkness. Then we’d all walk downstairs to the tree, and my grandfather would read the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke. Then we’d all sing Christmas carols until my grandfather decided we could open our presents. I remember being so impatient for my grandfather to finish the carols, but he’d always think of “just one more” that we hadn’t done yet. The littlest kids got to open their presents first, and we all had to wait until our turn. Then it was more Christmas carols, and cookies, until the littlest kids started falling asleep under the tree. Now that we live in Arizona we don’t make it to my grandparents’ every year, and Christmas by ourselves is not as fun as when you have eleven pairs of aunts and uncles and thirty cousins to share it with
I love extended family, and hope that when I have my own kids we will live close to my parents so my kids can have the same great experiences I did.
Comment by crazybeautifullife — 12.06.06 @ 6:10:32
First off, Jeanette, hats off to you for daily posting!! If you think you are rotten at regular blogging, you should check out my stats in that department!! I’m loving having something new to read from you each day!
Secondly, I love this post!!! It made me think. A lot.
My family was never one to do anything in particular, if anything at all, on Christmas Eve. When I met my husband, I was able to join in their ritual of a big, festive Christmas Eve party. Now that there are so many young children in the family, it makes for a great time. Everyone eats and drinks and hugs and talks. The kids get to open gifts from cousins and play until they are exhausted, which makes getting them to sleep before Santa comes easier than easy.
On Christmas morning I was always the patient one, not sneaking down the hall but waking my parents first so that they could come with me to see what Santa had brought. My mom hosted Christmas Day dinner until I was older and my sister’s children were the “little ones” of the family. We then celebrated at her house so that my nephews could ride their new bikes or play with other new toys in the comfort of their own home.
These days we alternate between the homes of my family and my husband’s family. Sometimes quite a challenge and always tiring by the end of the day but fun, nonetheless.
I think traditions spring mostly from routine and rarely from trying to create them. If you think too much about it, it becomes more of a chore than it should. Go with your heart here.
Merry Christmas! Can’t wait to read what’s in store for tomorrow!!
Comment by Lisa P — 12.06.06 @ 9:12:45
COPY CAT… I love that you did what I tried to do, but made it 100 times batter It made me think of so many things from our childhood… I love you:)
Comment by Lynn — 12.07.06 @ 2:52:17
My mother tried to have the American Dream Christmas for us growing up. It was full of sparkly tree, way too many presents, and lots of debt. Then we became poorer than poor and one year we spent Christmas staying in a cheap motel in Lake Havasu with presents from a truck stop. Then there was the year I saved my money for a tree and it took until Christmas Eve to have enough money. By the time we got to the tree lot they were giving away the trees. It was great because we got to keep the money I made washing old lady hair at a beauty parlor for weeks. I wrapped up the money to give to my mom. Then I got older and lived with my dad and Christmas was a great day to do laundry at our apartment because everyone else was busy.
The funny thing is that I’m not really bitter about the memories. I just find it really funny that I now have this story book Christmas mornings now that I’m an adult and oh, yeah…married to a Jewish guy. We have great memories of picking out trees from the lot. Every year we say we’re going to buy one of the fancy ones and not just a regular douglas fir. We never do, although we could if we wanted and that feels so good. We decorate the tree with ornaments from my childhood and a few we’ve gathered along the way. The kids wake up every year and are excited about the presents from us, each other, and the ones that Santa remembered that they wanted. It’s great. And then if Chanukah falls at the same time, we light the Menorah later and exchange more gifts.
Every year we talk about not getting a Christmas tree and only doing Chanukah. But every year my wonderful husband says, “But I want you to be able to have Christmas like you always have.” Ha!
Comment by Karen — 12.07.06 @ 4:41:12
My sister and I have been having this discussion. We have talked about what traditions we had as children, and the ones we want to pass to our children. Neither one of us is religious although we grew up in a very Catholic family.
Our current tradition list is adopting a family/writing a soldier throughout the year; Zoo lights, McCormick RR park to view lights and ride train; touring neighborhood lights; monkey bread/cinnamon rolls for breakfast Christmas morning; Nutcracker; and a few others that I cannot remember right now…
Comment by Heather — 12.08.06 @ 4:37:50