Isn’t that the most perfect, powerful, incredible baby name in the whole entire world? My dearest Leigh-Leigh birthed baby Indi yesterday. Go say contrats - won’t you?

Be aware - this is a hastily written vent of epic proportions…..

At the risk of sounding juvenile/hormonal - I hate bedtime. Ihateit-Ihateit-Ihateit-Ihateit. Although I love my girls, and am profoundly grateful for {almost} every moment I have them with me, I. HATE. BEDTIME.

It is 10:24pm. Julianna finally fell asleep 15 minutes ago. Bella is still awake, and has come out of the room four times in the 15 minutes since her sister fell asleep. This is not unusual. Bedtime can often last two hours or more from start to finish, and usually involves tears, threats, frustration, threats, tears, anger, resentment, tears and threats. Nobody is happy.

Clearly we’ve lost the ability to control the situation and at this point I’m beginning to question if we ever really had it.

Back when we just had Bella - our lives were guided by routine and gentle schedule. Bella always thrived on predictability, and our lives at the time allowed us to provide her with that. I was ‘just’ a SAHM, not trying to be birth worker/photographer/non-profit director. Sam had not yet gotten his big promotion at work, and so had a regular schedule of 7am-4pm, arriving home like clockwork at 4:45pm every night - when we all had dinner together. Our weekends were mainly free to rest, relax and spend quality time together as a family. Bella napped at regular intervals during the day when she was younger, and went to sleep easily at night - bath, a few books, a little rock in the rocking chair, and her lullaby CD on to fall asleep on her own.

Life now is so much more hectic. It feels like we are on the go so much that Julianna has never had a regular nap schedule. Like any SAHM, I’m trying to squeeze in all my other commitments in stolen moments between meals, and diaper changes and lego towers. Sam is under tremendous pressure at work - often coming home for dinner and heading back to work until 11pm or later. Our weekends seem filled with running this way and that, errand after commitment after ‘just one more thing’. We’re trying to juggle (financially and logistically) the remodel in the midst of all the other craziness as well. We’re overwhelmed, cranky, tired, stressed, distracted and disconnected. Not surprisingly, this has turned the girls’ day to day lives on end as well.

They are such good sports, and really go with the flow quite well all day, but at night time I really feel the brunt of all this craziness coming out. The girls share a room and a queen size bed. Once upon a time this seemed a good idea, and actually used to work fairly well. Now, however, it’s just a disaster. It seems that if one of them is tired and ready to settle down, the other is wired and ready to go (and vice versa). They feed off each other, and not in a good way. About 90% of the time, Julianna demands my presence to fall asleep (the only way she’ll ever accept Sam is if I pretend to leave and she actually sees me drive away in the car - even then there’s a 50/50 chance that she’ll cry till I come in to get her anyway). Even with me there, she often finds something to cry hysterically about these days. To go to sleep, she wants to fiddle with my belly button (“Give me my belly” she says with great authority). She pinches, pokes, prods with her sharp little nails, sometimes to the point of making it scab. And I let her, I let her because I’m so desperate for her just to settle and fall asleep.

They are both tired, so tired. I have to drag Bella out of bed every morning - she’ll sleep till 9:30 or later if I let her, but then it becomes even more impossible to get her to sleep at night. Julie wakes at 5am and I have two choices - either get up with her then for the day, or lie awake in bed and nurse for the next several hours (try as I might, I usually can’t sleep through it). And yes - if we do get up at 5am, she’s still impossible to put to bed at night. Her naps are iffy at best. She’ll often go all day without a nap - especially if we’re busy and on the go. When that happens she normally falls asleep nursing around dinner time, and wakes up screaming a few hours later…and (you guessed it) it is near impossible to settle her back to sleep. When she does nap, it’s not a long one - half an hour, 45 minutes tops.

Almost every night, at some point during the entire bedtime process, I can feel myself seething with resentment. I hear how stressed and bitter and utterly horrid I sound when I speak to them - all of my frustration being taken out on them in the moment. Quite simply, I feel like a big pile of shit.

I need to find a way to make this better, for them, for me, for all of us. We’re so far out of wack though, that I don’t even know where to start. What I do know, this is but a symptom of a much larger problem - but I’ve got to start somewhere. I leave on Tuesday for a month-long trip home, where I’ll be single parenting for the entire month of July. When we return to Phoenix Sam should already be moved into the new house, so there will be yet another transition for the girls. I really, really need to start making this flow better right now, or I fear I might loose my mind at some point soon.

Still, despite it all, when they finally fall asleep I stay there with them, breathing them in, touching Julie’s soft skin, tracing the curve of Bella’s nose, watching their chests rise and fall. I guess that is what tells me that it will all be okay.

Every now and then, through fate or serendipity of the quick click of a mouse, you come across a thought, or phrase or quote that happens to be just exactly the very thing you needed to read that that moment in time. Something that brings all the pieces together and results in a sweet space of pure clarity in the midst of chaos. Yesterday I clicked from Kate’s blog to this link and read this:

“That moment
When you are sitting right on the edge of something daring and scary and creative and powerful and perhaps wonderful… and you blink and take a step back.

All the hard work and preparation and daring and luck is nothing compared with the ability to not blink.”

*The moment between you and remarkable*

How many times have you been in that moment? At the threshold of something big and exciting and terrifying and potentially incredible? How many times did you blink?

I’m a blinker. I get stuck. It’s all the worse for knowing it, realizing it, and not being able to find the inner courage to just open my eyes and step with complete clarity into the brilliance ahead.

A vow to myself, for the next time I am in that space, to keep my eyes open, and take a big step forward.

Into the moment.

Today we headed down to our house to do a walk through and make a list of all the things that needed fixing (oh, so many things need fixing). Sam hunted through the computer desk and procured an old notebook and pen and we set off. When we got in the car I opened the book, looking for a clean page to begin making notes. I was flicking past some of the first pages, filled with hastily written scribbles, when a word caught my eye and I turned back to read.

What I had happened upon today, almost two years after her birth, were the notes I made the day that Julianna was born. Time stopped for a moment as I quickly read through the words I had written that day, intended at the time to become the basis for a birth story not yet written. In an instant I was taken back to the day of her birth, remembering little things long since forgotten. What a gift those words are, especially since her chaotic birth wiped me of most detailed memories, and because the passage of time had blurred the edges of the memories I had held on to.

I didn’t intend for it to go this long. I always thought that eventually/very soon/maybe next week/month/year I’d get around to sitting down and really fleshing out the story, just like I did with Bella (a 19 page birth story is a lot to live up to). The poem I wrote for Jules IS the story of her birth, and is probably more meaningful to me than anything I have ever written - but it’s a poem, not a narrative, and there is so much left unsaid between the lines. I want so badly for Jules to have a record of her birth, but for some reason could never quite bring myself to the place I needed to be to write it. Over time it seemed less and less urgent, more and more difficult to begin - until here we are, approaching the end of her second year…no closer to a story than I was when she was born.

Finding these notes, notes I barely remember writing, was such a gift. I have a bad habit of thinking that if I can’t do things perfectly or completely then I just shouldn’t do them at all. In my mind, that means that everything I do I do well. What that means in reality is that a lot of worthwhile, necessary, wonderful things get left undone. I still don’t have the time I need to sit down and write it out completely or perfectly but I thought that for now, I’d just begin. I’ll begin by transcribing the notes I found today, writing them exactly as they were written, without changing format or structure, and interjecting my own thoughts (thoughts formed with two years of distance, insight and processing) here and there. These notes are choppy, often in shorthand, and give only the barest details. Still - it’s a start, and every story has to start somewhere.

[My current reflections in italics]

…
August Two
Contractions through the night - wake up, contract, pee, sleep. A different quality than the other night, harder.

[The weekend prior to her birth I had a night of contractions just like this, but as soon as the sun came up, everything stopped. ]

421am - in the bathroom again. Felt mucus when I wiped, turned on the light to see that it was tinged with blood. I shoot my head and thought “What do you know - August Two”.

[From my very first trimester Bella was absolutely sure that she was having a baby sister, who would be born on ‘August Two’. Nothing could dissuade her from that belief. Remind me to tell you what she said after the birth]

Contractions q8-12m, breathing through them now. “Inhale Peace, Exhale Tension”. Tried to get back to sleep, but my brain is awake now. “Slow, Gentle, Peaceful Birth”

[I used affirmations like the ones above often in my last few weeks of pregnancy, I had not remembered at all that I used them during labour. For those who don’t use medical shorthand q8-10m is just ‘every 8-10 minutes)]

5am - Sam woke from my breathing, at the end I said “Aug. Two” and he leaned in to kiss me.

[I never would have remembered that, and I smile now every time I think of it. What a delicious moment as we savoured this new beginning.]

Two ctx on toilet - did not like.

[So funny since I spent hours of Bella’s labour sitting on the toilet and would not budge even when the midwives tried their darndest to get me into different positions].

Facing fears…510am Things began spacing out q15-20 just as it became light. I know I would be crushed if this was not it, but have to admit this is out of my hands.

[For anyone who read my blog during this pregnancy, control was a big issue for me. Surrendering, and giving myself up to the experience was difficult. Having that night the week before where I was so sure things were beginning and then have everything totally stop was so hard for me. The idea that this could be happening again, five days after my due date was really hard for me to accept. Releasing this experience was a huge step for me, one I really needed to take.]

6am - downstairs to see what would happen

No ctx from 6-8. Cannot believe this is happening again. Feel like crying. Sam stays home from work so I can rest.

Ctx come back again, but sporadic. I get some sleep and Sam wakes up Bella around 9.

[That kid will sleep as late as you let her. She also does not like to go to bed at night. Her natural body clock does not fall in line with the one I’d like her to have - more control issues. Sigh.]

Between 10 and 11, ctx q15m.

[When I say every 15 minutes, that was such a rough estimate. They would come every 10 minutes, then twenty, then a half hour would go by without one. They would be short, then long, then short again. Always mild though, I remember talking to Marybeth on the phone at some point during the day, her holding a seven day old Sula Pearl, and hearing her tell me that I was in labour. I didn’t believe her, didn’t believe it was real, was afraid to believe it was real. I also remember taking a phone call from a mama who had been a part of the birth circles, and who was also awaiting the birth of her baby- I remember having a contraction while talking to her and thinking it was so bizarre that she couldn’t even tell].

11am - up to call birth team, both Marinah and Mani are so positive. Marinah says rest during day since this baby likes things to heat up at night. Ctx seem to keep coming as I am up and active, feel horrible on toilet, a little more pinkish mucous. Vampire baby, scared of light.

[I so clearly remember having that vampire thought. At that point I really didn’t think this was the real thing - it was so different than my experience with Bella - which was totally textbook in terms of timing and the stages of labour. I totally expected that it would be the same, maybe quicker, but still sensible. It was so odd how things would start a night and then grind to a total halt as soon as the sun was up. It was like the flip of a switch.]

1pm - Sam fills the tub

[That birth tub ROCKS, heated, soft sides, jets. Ahhhhhh….. It seems so cool to be to think that now; the very same tub is set up in Leigh’s bedroom, just awaiting the arrival of her Voodoo baby.]

Bella says “Is this labour for you?”

[I never would have remembered this, what a cute thing to have recorded. Such a small thing, but so meaningful. Having her involved in the birth preparations, and in the birth itself was an incredible experience]

I vacuum to kill time.

[Must have been in labour. Anyone who knows me will tell you that this is certainly not something I would normally do to kill time.]

4pm - ctx continued q10-15 getting stronger, 45-60sec. in shower, which helped. Last few ctx had been difficult, not breathing well, feeling light headed. Ctx changed to frequent but very short/mild. Checked cervix in shower - ?? effaced?? 2cm? Could feel bag of water. V. empowering. This morning I was still thick, slightly more than fingertip.

[Holy %$#2 it is hard to check your own cervix while lying in your bathtub at 40weeks 5 days pregnant. I cannot even begin to tell you the contortions necessary to accomplish this. I first learned to check my cervix when we were trying to conceive Bella - and I was learning the ins and outs of natural family planning. Not pregnant it’s fairly easy - not so much in early labour. This was huge for me though, having checked in the morning and then again in the afternoon, and being able to feel a difference (however small) was the first sign I had that maybe this was really happening after all. I wrote that it was very empowering, and it was. It was empowering when I first learned about NFP and gained that understanding of my body, and it was exponentially more so to be contracting, and to feel with my own hands what my body and baby were doing. Amazing.]

Had Sam make rice sock - heat on lower abdomen felt wonderful. On bed H&K leaning over pillows listening to music.

[I had a flash of memory about this, I remember trying to moan and playing with vocalizing during contractions. I remember the music in the background. I had made up a playlist of music on our computer, and listened to it constantly during the end of my pregnancy. Wonderful, relaxing music, filled with words and melodies that spoke directly to me. Someday maybe I’ll copy the list over here to share with you all. I also listened to these wonderful tapes every night before bed - but I don’t think I played them in labour, although I had ever intention of doing so. After the playlist ran through, we didn’t put on any more music. I wish I had been focused enough to ask for it, I had practiced relaxing to that music and those affirmations so often, I wonder if it would have helped me later on. H&K = hands and knees]

Sam’s handwriting - 5:23pm - entered pool

[I remember Bella floated with me in the pool somewhere around this time. There is a picture of us both smiling gently and leaning against the side of the pool. This was before my digital days and I have no idea where it is, but it was a lovely time for us to be together as mother and daughter one last time before Julianna was born. At this point, I still didn’t fully accept that this was the real deal. There was no rhyme or reason to things, they would space out, get closer together, get tough for a short period and then get mild again. The whole time I remember being so afraid to trust that it was really happening]

6pm - out of pool q5-8min 45-60.

…..
And that is the end of the notes.

Sometime between that last note at 6pm and 9:52 when Julianna was born, things got crazy. Fast. One minute I wasn’t sure I was really in labour and thought things could take forever, the next minute I was upside down with my eyes closed trying to figure out which way was up - at least that is how it seems in my memory. Now that I’ve at least got this started, I’m going to try to piece together the timeline of those last four hours and the time immediately following her birth.

Before she starts Kindergarten, I promise

Liam

Originally uploaded by sweet | salty.

05.05.07 - 06.15.07

Sweet prince
shining star
swirling, spiraling, infinite light
wee brother, young son,
little man of hopes and dreams

in my heart, in my soul, in my breath
in the air that surrounds me,
and the sun that warms me
and the trees that shelter me
and the earth that sustains me

ever present
ever longed for
never forgotten
always loved

love
love
mamalove.