I hate bedtime.
Be aware - this is a hastily written vent of epic proportions…..
At the risk of sounding juvenile/hormonal - I hate bedtime. Ihateit-Ihateit-Ihateit-Ihateit. Although I love my girls, and am profoundly grateful for {almost} every moment I have them with me, I. HATE. BEDTIME.
It is 10:24pm. Julianna finally fell asleep 15 minutes ago. Bella is still awake, and has come out of the room four times in the 15 minutes since her sister fell asleep. This is not unusual. Bedtime can often last two hours or more from start to finish, and usually involves tears, threats, frustration, threats, tears, anger, resentment, tears and threats. Nobody is happy.
Clearly we’ve lost the ability to control the situation and at this point I’m beginning to question if we ever really had it.
Back when we just had Bella - our lives were guided by routine and gentle schedule. Bella always thrived on predictability, and our lives at the time allowed us to provide her with that. I was ‘just’ a SAHM, not trying to be birth worker/photographer/non-profit director. Sam had not yet gotten his big promotion at work, and so had a regular schedule of 7am-4pm, arriving home like clockwork at 4:45pm every night - when we all had dinner together. Our weekends were mainly free to rest, relax and spend quality time together as a family. Bella napped at regular intervals during the day when she was younger, and went to sleep easily at night - bath, a few books, a little rock in the rocking chair, and her lullaby CD on to fall asleep on her own.
Life now is so much more hectic. It feels like we are on the go so much that Julianna has never had a regular nap schedule. Like any SAHM, I’m trying to squeeze in all my other commitments in stolen moments between meals, and diaper changes and lego towers. Sam is under tremendous pressure at work - often coming home for dinner and heading back to work until 11pm or later. Our weekends seem filled with running this way and that, errand after commitment after ‘just one more thing’. We’re trying to juggle (financially and logistically) the remodel in the midst of all the other craziness as well. We’re overwhelmed, cranky, tired, stressed, distracted and disconnected. Not surprisingly, this has turned the girls’ day to day lives on end as well.
They are such good sports, and really go with the flow quite well all day, but at night time I really feel the brunt of all this craziness coming out. The girls share a room and a queen size bed. Once upon a time this seemed a good idea, and actually used to work fairly well. Now, however, it’s just a disaster. It seems that if one of them is tired and ready to settle down, the other is wired and ready to go (and vice versa). They feed off each other, and not in a good way. About 90% of the time, Julianna demands my presence to fall asleep (the only way she’ll ever accept Sam is if I pretend to leave and she actually sees me drive away in the car - even then there’s a 50/50 chance that she’ll cry till I come in to get her anyway). Even with me there, she often finds something to cry hysterically about these days. To go to sleep, she wants to fiddle with my belly button (“Give me my belly” she says with great authority). She pinches, pokes, prods with her sharp little nails, sometimes to the point of making it scab. And I let her, I let her because I’m so desperate for her just to settle and fall asleep.
They are both tired, so tired. I have to drag Bella out of bed every morning - she’ll sleep till 9:30 or later if I let her, but then it becomes even more impossible to get her to sleep at night. Julie wakes at 5am and I have two choices - either get up with her then for the day, or lie awake in bed and nurse for the next several hours (try as I might, I usually can’t sleep through it). And yes - if we do get up at 5am, she’s still impossible to put to bed at night. Her naps are iffy at best. She’ll often go all day without a nap - especially if we’re busy and on the go. When that happens she normally falls asleep nursing around dinner time, and wakes up screaming a few hours later…and (you guessed it) it is near impossible to settle her back to sleep. When she does nap, it’s not a long one - half an hour, 45 minutes tops.
Almost every night, at some point during the entire bedtime process, I can feel myself seething with resentment. I hear how stressed and bitter and utterly horrid I sound when I speak to them - all of my frustration being taken out on them in the moment. Quite simply, I feel like a big pile of shit.
I need to find a way to make this better, for them, for me, for all of us. We’re so far out of wack though, that I don’t even know where to start. What I do know, this is but a symptom of a much larger problem - but I’ve got to start somewhere. I leave on Tuesday for a month-long trip home, where I’ll be single parenting for the entire month of July. When we return to Phoenix Sam should already be moved into the new house, so there will be yet another transition for the girls. I really, really need to start making this flow better right now, or I fear I might loose my mind at some point soon.
Still, despite it all, when they finally fall asleep I stay there with them, breathing them in, touching Julie’s soft skin, tracing the curve of Bella’s nose, watching their chests rise and fall. I guess that is what tells me that it will all be okay.
Oh honey… I simply can’t imagine… I treasure my sleep and get mine tucked up with lights out by 7pm each night (I’d go crazy if I didn’t know that my day ended at 7pm).
I’m lucky - two of mine have always been very good, solid sleepers and have done an unbroken stint of 12 hours from about 9 months onwards… but my middle child was always been a very light sleeper and didn’t sleep well until she was about 3 years old.
I credit the improvement in her sleep to an osteopath that I saw who did cranial osteopathy on her. After two sessions she started sleeping 12 hours straight (as a baby she was up every 1-2 hours and even as a toddler/preschool she was up every 3-4 hours).
I also have each of my children in separate rooms (because they tend to disturb each other) and we have a very predictable routine that never varies (dinner, bath, story, lullaby, bed). My little one (20 months) still has a nap at approx. the same time each day.
If you have any further questions about cranial osteopathy (it is very gentle and not at all invasive) please feel free to write to me… or check out this website:
http://www.cranial.org.uk/page3.html
(((hugs)))
Comment by em — 06.22.07 @ 11:43:55
PS I should add that I am rather (very?!) firm about bedtime/staying in bed etc. and always have been with my three because I simply DO NOT COPE when I’m sleep deprived. I quickly get very depressed… and find myself struggling over simple everyday tasks… I figure I’d rather deal with a cross toddler (who doesn’t think she is tired although mummy knows better) than feel bleak and angry all the time.
Comment by em — 06.22.07 @ 11:48:36
Of course, all will be OK. I read this post with interest and trepidation because I’ve been there (back when it was just Nat & Elle and we co-slept with Elle) and I hate to admit that I was the same way at the end of the day. Cranky as hell and ready for my day as “Mommy” to end. It’s exhausting. I wish I had some advice. It sort of resolved itself for me as Elle grew older and once Anna Sofia came along I had no choice but to be almost militant about bedtime. Let’s face it, I’m so loosy goosy, I’ll never be militant about ANYTHING but this is close. Bath, storytime and then they watch a story video (Chrysanthemum is a current favorite). Natalie and Elle share a room and they’re in a bunk bed, so they each have their own space. I think that’s important. Anna Sofia goes down in her crib in the nursery/office at 10P, still late by some standards but hey, she stays there for most of the night. (She usually cries around 3 or 4A at which point I bring her back to bed with us).
Bedtime and sleep are such sore subjects. Seems everyone has different ways of doing it. Sigh. I wish you luck and rest!
Being home won’t be so bad, will it? Won’t you have lots of help from your parents, et al? Have a happy and safe trip!
Comment by Ninotchka — 06.22.07 @ 2:38:40
I know that you don’t know me, as I just recently found your blog. But I do have thoughts on this matter; it’s near and dear to me because I have similar reactions to you at the end of a long day. I used to work PT from home and my husband travels a lot for work, so being a single mama is often the case at bedtime. Not easy at all. And honestly, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry so much about this with your travels coming up AND a move to a new house; after those transitions would be a great time to start anew for both you and the girls. Please don’t feel like crap, as where you are, we have all been. You should have just seen me interact with my 3.5 year old over a sippy cup fiasco before nap time. It wasn’t one of my most stellar mom-moments. Ah well. He knows I adore him.
Regarding bedtime, for us, it is routine that keeps us relatively sane. I have three kids under the age of 3.5 and I have to get them all to bed by 8pm or I will crack in half. We do the same things nightly - bath, books, cuddles (me with each kiddo for five minutes). Granted, they are in separate rooms so this helps them each wind down a bit. (In your new house, will they still share?) Here, of course, there is often whining or arguing about bedtime, but I always give the five minute warning before we wrap for the day and it’s a house rule that they stay in their beds once I get them down. For you, perhaps, you can start fresh once you get back from your trip. Let the girls know that when they get home, to your new home, you will have a new routine. Perhaps start it an hour before you ideally wish to get them down at night, and work towards that goal, since they are going to bed so late currently? Do your typical night-time stuff and just enforce that they stay down once it’s time. Perhaps throw a reward in there for them both, as a team, if they work together to make bedtime happen - (this will be key if they continue to share).
I wish you good luck and strength to get through these moments. You have much on your plate; your photography is amazing and it sounds as though your other business-facet is veyr busy, too. Please be gentle with yourself. Enjoy your time home; (where are you from?) **
Comment by Joanna — 06.22.07 @ 7:53:37
The sleep thing just sucks. Every time we hit a rhythm and I think we’re out of the woods, we hit some other setback. I don’t have any solutions for you, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone with those seething feelings of resentment. In my better moments, I’m able to remember that it won’t be forever. But I spend a lot of time being frustrated and annoyed, and some of the time in a far uglier place than that. Sleep (and sleep-deprivation) is by far and above our number one difficulty, even though it continues to improve, and by comparison, has improved tremendously compared to a year ago. On the other hand, I’m now going on TWO years of sleep deprivation, so my ability to cope is, uh … less.
Comment by gearhead mama — 06.22.07 @ 8:53:56
I accidently put this as a comment to Blink. Sorry.
Bedtime does suck. I like to do the dishes and try to get Alan to handle bedtime. My excuse is that he needs to spend the time with the kids, but the truth is that I am just too cranky to corral kids into bed. One thing we do that I think works for us is the kids are responsible for as much of the bedtime routine as possible. They have their “5 things” that they do before bed.
#1: go potty
#2: wash hands
#3: brush teeth
#4: wash face
#5 put on pajamas
I totally feel your pain about squeezing everything into a day (week, month, year…). This stay at home mom thing is exhausting!
Comment by Karen — 06.22.07 @ 11:15:42
this is why i want to go back to work and get a nanny. then i can be tired and cranky at night, but at least happy to be with my kids.
that sounded horrible. sigh.
anyway, you aren’t alone. With us, if all else fails, drive them to go see the Night Herons at the park lake and hope to god they fall asleep on the way home.
also, have you tried opiates?
m
Comment by marybeth — 06.23.07 @ 2:26:23
Sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It sounds very stressful. I’ve been pretty laid back with most things but my kids’ sleep has always been a huge deal with me. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m such a night owl, going to bed way too late, that I’m hoping to give them good sleep habits now? Either way, my kids are really good sleepers. Feel free to email me if you’d like to know methods we use over here for sleep. At first I thought I was just lucky but I think there are some keys to making a good sleep rhythm for your children.
Comment by Jennifer — 06.23.07 @ 6:37:31
I don’t have much advice to offer, being a new mama, but I just wanted to thank you for this post. So many times I think women try to hide what frustrates them most with their children. It’s nice to get it out in the open so that other people can give support or realize that they aren’t alone either.
Oh, and it’s damn hard to get your kids on a routine if it’s not one of your strong points. I am already finding that out the hard way.
Comment by Heather — 07.02.07 @ 4:45:21
Girlfriend! I hear you! Our 2.5 year old daugther has been great up until about 1 month ago and now we’re dealing with the same thing. We’ve even joked about duct taping her to the bed!! I know it sounds horrible but they say to try everything… I’m just kidding really I am, but you’re not alone!
We have night time routines, but alas that does not help. Our is usally endless requests to go to the bathroom and when you’re potty training how do you say no??? Keep up the great humour in how you try to express it and don’t get to mad at yourself… 1 day they will be getting ready to move out or get married and you’ll think back and only vaguely remember this time…
smiles
Comment by Heather — 08.06.07 @ 4:01:56