I’ve had some big things going on in my life lately. Big, exciting, potentially life-altering things. Things I’m not going to touch on this blog with a ten-foot-pole (the people that need to know do, and that is enough). This past week has been interesting, to say the least. I’m on the edge of a precipice, ready to jump off into the unknown - that that scares the shit out of me. But you know what? I feel fiercely alive right now. I’m tingling with it.

A wise and complex woman once told me that growth is often uncomfortable, but always worthwhile. This feels so worthwhile, like I am learning to define a part of myself that has long been ignored - but damn, it’s uncomfortable.

It’s not neat, or safe, and I can’t shut in a convenient little box. It’s rather messy and raw, and part of me would like to stuff it back down and leave it alone for another ten or twenty years. But I can’t. I won’t. This thing has a mind of its own, and a timeline I don’t even understand right now, let alone control. But it is happening, and I’m letting it - and that is huge.

Ah, so this is what it is, I think to myself. This is what it is to begin to live fully, to take risks, to let the universe unfold its own plan. Carpe Diem, and all that.

Fuck, that’s powerful.

My beautiful, wise, wonderful Mani once had this quote as her email signature:

I’ve been in that place before. I lived a lot of my life in that place, only I didn’t even realize it at the time.

Right now I’m breathing so deep it feels foreign. Sometimes it hurts. Although the past several years have been a journey of learning to go deep - it still feels weird to go this deep. To admit to myself the good with the bad, the exciting with the frightening, and then to realize that they are all really the same. There is so much power in that.

The beginning of my pregnancy with Julianna marked a turning point for me, of breaking down walls, unwrapping my heart and putting myself out there. And you know what - my life is far more brilliant than I ever could have imagined when I kept myself safe. That is not to say that it does not have dark corners. I think part of cracking yourself wide open and letting in the light also means you are that much more susceptible to the darkness. But with a life this full, there is always a way to climb out of those dark corners - sometimes on my own, sometimes on the arms and backs and hearts of those I’ve let all the way in.

This life is lovely and expansive, it is intimidating and brutal. I’m full to bursting and so empty I’m weightless.

I am learning to recognize the duality of my emotions. Lust/intimacy, anger/gentleness, love/hate, passion/indifference, full/empty, open/closed. Opposite sides of the same coin. Sometimes, like this week, those coins spin so fast that I get dizzy. And then I realize, everything is a mirror. All those emotions have their flip sides - and it’s hard to feel one without opening yourself up to the other.

And I understand now that sometimes it is the reflection of what you thought you wanted that actually gives you what you need.

I got hurt this week, cut deep. But you know what? Just today -just this minute really - I realized I’m okay with it. I am so much more than okay with it. I’m not running from it, or hiding in a corner waiting for it to find me. I’m not feeling plagued by my inability to make decisions, because for once I’m not trying to decide. No, not right now. I’m meeting it head on and as much as I’m accepting it for what it is, I’m also setting my own terms. Active and passive in the very same breath.

Ah, so this is what it is, I think to myself. This is what it is to own my own life, even the ugly parts.

It’s all good.

PS: Mama, since I know you are reading, don’t worry. It’s all good. I’m all good. And, um, sorry for the language. I know you don’t approve.