big
I’ve had some big things going on in my life lately. Big, exciting, potentially life-altering things. Things I’m not going to touch on this blog with a ten-foot-pole (the people that need to know do, and that is enough). This past week has been interesting, to say the least. I’m on the edge of a precipice, ready to jump off into the unknown - that that scares the shit out of me. But you know what? I feel fiercely alive right now. I’m tingling with it.
A wise and complex woman once told me that growth is often uncomfortable, but always worthwhile. This feels so worthwhile, like I am learning to define a part of myself that has long been ignored - but damn, it’s uncomfortable.
It’s not neat, or safe, and I can’t shut in a convenient little box. It’s rather messy and raw, and part of me would like to stuff it back down and leave it alone for another ten or twenty years. But I can’t. I won’t. This thing has a mind of its own, and a timeline I don’t even understand right now, let alone control. But it is happening, and I’m letting it - and that is huge.
Ah, so this is what it is, I think to myself. This is what it is to begin to live fully, to take risks, to let the universe unfold its own plan. Carpe Diem, and all that.
Fuck, that’s powerful.
My beautiful, wise, wonderful Mani once had this quote as her email signature:
~Mary Oliver
I’ve been in that place before. I lived a lot of my life in that place, only I didn’t even realize it at the time.
Right now I’m breathing so deep it feels foreign. Sometimes it hurts. Although the past several years have been a journey of learning to go deep - it still feels weird to go this deep. To admit to myself the good with the bad, the exciting with the frightening, and then to realize that they are all really the same. There is so much power in that.
The beginning of my pregnancy with Julianna marked a turning point for me, of breaking down walls, unwrapping my heart and putting myself out there. And you know what - my life is far more brilliant than I ever could have imagined when I kept myself safe. That is not to say that it does not have dark corners. I think part of cracking yourself wide open and letting in the light also means you are that much more susceptible to the darkness. But with a life this full, there is always a way to climb out of those dark corners - sometimes on my own, sometimes on the arms and backs and hearts of those I’ve let all the way in.
This life is lovely and expansive, it is intimidating and brutal. I’m full to bursting and so empty I’m weightless.
I am learning to recognize the duality of my emotions. Lust/intimacy, anger/gentleness, love/hate, passion/indifference, full/empty, open/closed. Opposite sides of the same coin. Sometimes, like this week, those coins spin so fast that I get dizzy. And then I realize, everything is a mirror. All those emotions have their flip sides - and it’s hard to feel one without opening yourself up to the other.
And I understand now that sometimes it is the reflection of what you thought you wanted that actually gives you what you need.
I got hurt this week, cut deep. But you know what? Just today -just this minute really - I realized I’m okay with it. I am so much more than okay with it. I’m not running from it, or hiding in a corner waiting for it to find me. I’m not feeling plagued by my inability to make decisions, because for once I’m not trying to decide. No, not right now. I’m meeting it head on and as much as I’m accepting it for what it is, I’m also setting my own terms. Active and passive in the very same breath.
Ah, so this is what it is, I think to myself. This is what it is to own my own life, even the ugly parts.
It’s all good.
PS: Mama, since I know you are reading, don’t worry. It’s all good. I’m all good. And, um, sorry for the language. I know you don’t approve. 
I don’t know what is on your plate, but much love and strength to you as you venture down this beautiful path of discovery. Spread your wings and go, and know too that failure is a part of success. No one is perfect. No one ever does everything right. It’s okay to be afraid, but if you know the time is right, don’t let that fear stop you.
Comment by gearhead mama — 08.12.07 @ 7:15:56
Well, not a clue as to what you are going through/towards (even though I am incredibly curious - will we know when you arrive?) but I am wishing you all the best. And know that even those of us who only know you in the computer are feircly proud of this journey you are taking - you inspire me to get outside of my safety zone as well. I have struggled with that very thing my whole life. The best of luck to you!
Comment by Bobbi — 08.12.07 @ 8:47:07
I am damn proud to be getting to know you. You are power and creativity. You make little people like me want to be more. Rock on Sista! I’ll be watching your journey, where ever it’s going….
Ashley
Comment by Ashley Skjaveland — 08.12.07 @ 9:04:00
You are expanding in the most amazing way, becoming both more powerful and vulnerable all at once. In that, you find clarity and strength that will help you continue to live bold and free.
I am honored to witness your journey.
Love you,
Me
Comment by Leigh — 08.13.07 @ 4:55:58
I’ve read you for so many years, quietly most of the time, but always delighted to hear of your accomplishments, your adventures and to see your beautiful family grow and change. I love your pictures and your writing inspires me. Whatever it is you are in the cusp of, I wish you the best. I hope we find out what it is someday (I am terribly curious as well, I must admit)!
Much love to you!
Comment by Libby — 08.13.07 @ 5:35:14
this is such succulent fruit you bite into. to taste the juice of this life is to feel the discomfort and the darkness like it truly is the most beautiful friend you have. in this time, if i remain more silent that expansive, it’s not because i have left you, it’s because i hold you, creating a space i hope you feel comfortable to always step into and be that raw self in. i am so proud of you. wow. i have watched you transform and experience yourself in so many different ways these past three years and this one, this one is teaching me more than you can know. it teaches always of us to never just breath just a little…because when we really inhale and exhale like you are doing now, we all live a little bit more. thank you.
much love and support,
mb
Comment by marybeth — 08.13.07 @ 9:43:05
I can’t begin to imagine what you’re stepping out into, but I am so excited for you nonetheless. You are an amazing woman, J and I think if there is anything I could say to you right now it is to TRUST yourself. Know that your instincts are usually right and if you are feeling like this path has been placed in front of you and you feel that it is one you are to be stepping out onto, you can trust that as scary as it feels, you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing. The unknown is as scary as hell — believe me, my life is FULL of it right now, but like you’ve alluded to, living life this explosively is what it’s like to live it to the fullest. Not easy in the slightest — but so FULL of — EVERYthing, you know.
We’re here when you can share it with us, and until there we’re STILL here, cheering you on!
Comment by Rebekah — 08.13.07 @ 10:05:09
Once again Jeanette, words spill out from you. After months of quiet growing, spreading roots from underground, I can hear your pulse beginning to quicken with new knowing and you sing the song that comes with this. The words flow as you weave some new understanding of yourself into the whole. You are newborn - emerging into another beginning of integration and definition and wonder and experience. This is what life is about, the ever-expanding of ourselves and I am so happy that you are in this place. Wherever this takes you, I am here. Like MaryBeth said, holding space for you to emerge just as you feel called. Nothing more, nothing less.
All my love,
B
Comment by Brooke — 08.14.07 @ 10:39:34