i have spent
far too long
standing in the shadow
of my own
perception.

loathing
lip curling
at my own
reflection

in the mirror
in the store window
in the eyes of
satisfied
lovers

disgust
unmet expectation
endlessly comparing
and rejecting
myself

and now?
and now.

and now I will
own it.

posess it.
revel in every
soft/curvy
hard/angular
perfect/imperfect
inch of it

of me.

for my daughters
for my daughters daughters
for my lovers
for the kind-eyed stranger
behind the counter
at my neighbourhood
coffee bar.
who serves me
the perfect chocolate pastries.

for myself

i will own it.

before
i gave it away
threw it away
discarded it in the clouds of a million smoky bars
and on the floors
of unfamiliar rooms
next to dirty socks
and forgotten paperbacks.

did not want it
could not hold it
choked on the weight
and taste
of it.
i spit it out
with
revulsion.

and now?
and now.

i will hold it high
and touch it softly
and kiss it gently
and give it away freely
but
only to those who
deserve it.

i will be solid in my space
and soft
in my space
i will move
with intention in this space
and I will walk with purpose through
this space

with purpose and truth and
with
direction

i will dismantle
the walls
and tear down
these artificial
boundaries
designed to
protect
but serving to
distance

and i will crack myself
wide
open

open

open

open to experience
to pain
to love
to hurt
to the brilliance
that could be
my life,
that will be
my
life.

i will own my physicality
and I will own
my fluid
sexuality.
and I will look you in the eyes
with clarity
with no apology
or inhibition

for myself

and i will get right
to the
point
no more time
to waste

and I will dance with
passion
and I will live with
acceptance
and I will embrace with
abandon
and I will love

and I will love.

because
I will own it with my walk
and with my
talk
and with my body
language

and everyone will watch
because,

i will own it.

Just came across this video, circa 1977, via the awesome Birth Ecology Blog. Sadly enough, I think that if Sesame Street tried to show a breastfeeding segment like this today, there would be a big public outcry. Formula feeding moms up in arms, formula companies protesting…sometimes I wonder if we’re going backward instead of forward.

Go read Julie Pippert’s brief but dead on commentary on images of breasts in the media, over at Using My Words.

All I need to add is this:

ditto.

She left. Can you believe it? She just drove off in her big ole’ truck, with her ghetto camper in the truck bed, her strong man at the wheel and her two sprites sleeping in the backseat – heads bent at precarious angles - oblivious for a moment to what lies ahead.

Gone.

She burst into my house - the way she always does - completely filling the space with her presence. Wildly gesturing hands. Ever expressive face. Undeniable physicality. Uncontainable Energy. Staccato communication. Profound strength. Kind and open heart. Ancient and wise soul. A whirlwind of life and love and knowing and the sweetest kind of friendship.

One of a kind.

She was in and out of here in less than ten minutes. Quick and painless, that was the plan. We hugged and smiled and said our goodbyes casually, almost as if I was going to be meeting up with her later at the park near her house where we’d picnic on a juice-stained blanket in the sun. I forgot to take an extra second to breathe in her scent, or to touch her hair or memorize that sparkle in her eye. I was distracted by the effort it took not to cry.

I watched her truck roll down the street and felt the first twinge of what I know will only be fully realized in time. Loss. Sadness. A small empty space inside my heart. Joy. Hope. Excitement for her upcoming journey. Eagerness to see her again, belly full to bursting with her wee dove-baby.

It’s not like I didn’t know this was coming, but denial is a powerful thing. For months and months I’ve told myself to prepare for her inevitable exit, but what I did was push it from my mind. It’s not as if ignoring something ever makes it go away – but I was determined to give it my very best shot. Until today I simply was not ready to truly accept that she was leaving us.

And then she left, just as quickly and smoothly as she once entered my life, my heart, my soul.

I want to run ahead and tell the world to get ready – here she comes. I want to caution them to cherish her brilliance. I want to urge them to open themselves wide to accept her infinite wisdom. I want to make sure they all understand that we released her so that she could splash her unique brand of love and life from here all the way through the Pacific Northwest.

I want to manifest a blessed community for her in her new hometown, the sort of community that will provide her with comfort, nourish her spirit and recognize the gift that has befallen them from the very first second she enters their realm. I picture for her the kind of profound and life-changing connections that I know fuel her mind and spirit. I envision her reaching and growing and creating – thriving in the midst of mountains and oceans and green, green, green.

No way could this parched desert soil ever hope to contain such a vital spirit. A life like that needs the rolling ocean, and the jagged cliffs and growing, growing, growing all around her in order to be truly in possession of herself. I can see her there, planted firmly in mountain pose, stretching from the earth to the sky. Larger than life and at one with her surroundings in a way she could never have been in this suburban wasteland. There, I believe, she will reach her potential in ways more glorious than we could ever have envisioned.

She left, but she’s not gone, not really. She’s inside my heart, my soul, my spirit. She always will be.

Mb – you divine, mystical, magical creature. I will miss you till it takes my breath away and I will see you again soon.