“I am a bad mother
I am a horrible wife
I can’t even manage to keep my house clean
I can’t breathe.
I feel panicked.
Why can’t I ever get organized?
My life is a mess.”

I woke up this morning in a state of stress from my very first waking breath. You know the kind of morning I’m talking about. We overslept. Bella hadn’t done her homework the night before, and the kids went to bed late. Jules has a cold and is feeling miserable/ is miserable to be around. The house is trashed, dirty dishes in the sink from so long ago I’m not even going to tell you out of embarrassment. Life has been way intense lately. No towels clean in the bathroom. No bread for Bella’s lunch because I didn’t make it to the store yesterday. Sam in a rush because he is working on contract now and every hour he isn’t at work is an hour he is not being paid.

I woke up on the defensive, and it went downhill from there. At one point, as I was rushing down the hallway with my head down and a dark storm cloud hovering over me, I realized the words I was saying to myself. On continuous looping repeat - over and over again – beating myself further down with every second. I was creating and sustaining my negative reality this morning all on my own – I didn’t even need any help from stressful circumstance. I had decided what mood to be in and what stories to tell myself from the second I opened my eyes.

Why?

I walked back into the kitchen and leaned on the counter, head in my hands, and closed my eyes for a moment – trying to find that desperately needed center. When I opened my eyes, I was leaning over one an open catalog (one of the veritable plethora of random merchandise pushing publications that have found their way into our mailbox in the pre-holiday push to buy! buy! buy!) and my eyes immediately went to picture of a shirt that had a spiral on the front, and the words ‘Find Your Happy Place’ in a funky font. It was self help - screen print style - sending me a message from the universe.

Indeed.

I gave a bitter laugh. Find my happy place. Ha! As if! Unrealistic, my frazzled self screamed in frustration. Can’t be done. Life is shitty right now. Too intense. Can’t handle it. Where on earth would I find my happy place in this moment? And so I continued telling myself similar stories as I went through the morning routine on cranky-assed autopilot.

“Why can’t she just listen to me?
Why do I have to do everything?
Why can’t they take care of their shit so I can actually find something when I need it?
I’m being so horrid to her, she deserves a better mother.
Can’t she stop the blessed screaming for a fraction of a second so I can freaking think?
My life is never going to feel normal again
I should be doing better than this.
I want to run away
I can’t do this.
I feel so out of control.”
All varieties of the same theme – “I suck, I can’t cope, and all the rest of them are just conspiring to make it all worse”.

Nice.

I knew what I needed to find my center – and I knew it wasn’t all that much. All I usually need is just a little time alone, with music filling my ears loud enough to block out the negative mantras that were taking over my body and mind, and enough time to replace them with positive words and to clear my heart enough to replace chaos with peace.

Five or ten minutes would do it – but finding five or ten minute’s alone in quiet during a running-late-crazy-stressed school day morning? Not gonna happen. No way, no how. Motherhood is not often conducive to spontaneous opportunities for meditation – no matter how vital it might seem in the moment.

So I did the next best thing – I put my head down and barreled through the rest of the routine, stopping for a moment to burn a CD. My beloved iPod is broken, and music is my sanity. I needed some tunes this morning more than ever. Even though it made us a few minutes later than we already were, I knew it was time well spent.

I recently created a playlist for a friend that I called ‘Songs for a New Beginning’. I made it for her, but I’ve since adopted it as part of my own soundtrack. I pulled this together quickly one evening – instinctively pulling songs at random that I knew contained the message I wanted to share with this person – hoping that she could hear what I was trying to tell her with the music.

Some of the songs I had just downloaded, only listened to a few times, but I went with my gut. These songs speak to me of comfort, solace and a reminder that the tide always turns. Music that tells me it’s all okay, and that gives me courage to keep plugging away. Words that tell me that I am good, I am blessed, to just believe. I needed these tunes today.

I managed to get into the car - a buzzing, humming, steaming mass of stress and resentment and general pissed-off-edness - popped in the CD and started to drive. The first song on the CD was Deb Talan’s Comfort. This was a song I had chosen especially to be the first song in the mix, because it said exactly what I wanted to tell my friend but couldn’t exactly find the words to express.

As I drove down my street, Deb’s sweet, soothing voice filled the car;

“And when you can’t remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort, there is comfort.
Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can”

I meant this song to be a message for another weary heart, but instead it turned out to be a message that I needed desperately to assimilate into my own being.

I swear that within minutes I was breathing deeper, feeling calmer, in a totally different place than I had been just moments before. Yet again, music soothed my crazy soul and helped me knit myself back together again. I don’t pretend to understand why it works, so quickly and completely, but I am grateful that it does.

And so today, with the help of lyrics and melody, I work on changing the stories I tell myself. I realize the power of these mantras. I believe that I do create my own reality, and that what I give my attention to is what I bring to fruition. I know this to be true – but I am utterly and completely challenged by the in-the-moment reality of changing my thoughts in order to change my perception of my experience so that I can, in turn, change my world. (how’s that for a run on sentence?)

I need to find myself some mala beads, to wear them each day and to actively work to change my self-destructive mantras into words that build me up instead of breaking me down. I need to seek out time to meditate, to protect those quiet moments with the music that sustains my soul. I need to focus on finding the time to do 108 repetitions of the stories I SHOULD be telling myself each day. We all need to do this.

My new mantras
I will be okay.
I am loved.
It will get better.
I create my own reality.
I will not fail.
All I need is my breath.
I am soft and I am strong.
I trust my heart.
I am open to the universe.
I am me and I am enough.

Want to join me? What are you currently telling yourself that is dragging you down? What stories do you need to change? Create your own mantras and we can work together on changing our realities with the power of our thoughts and intentions. This is good, meaningful work. It needs to be a priority.

Last night I was introduced to the most amazing song (thank you, thank you, thank you Erin Michelle).

Exactly: Amy Steinberg (Click to open a new window and listen while you read)

This might be one of the most powerful pieces of music I have ever heard. As tumultuous as my life has been lately, I want to cling to the lyrics and the melody like they are the source of my life itself - which in fact, I think they might be. I have immersed myself in this song this morning. Turned it up loud and dove deep into it, until it filled every fragment of my body and soul.

If everything in the universe is energy - and I believe that it is - then everything we encounter transmits some of its energy to us. The energy that communicates itself to me most directly is the energy of words and music – I feel them on a deep, vibrational level. This energy of this song, from the very first note, nestled itself into the very core of my being and sent the most comforting light coursing through my body. I think I want to become this song.

As my dear Leigh said last night “That’s my church, my faith, right there. That’s all you need. One time to hear that song and it becomes your Source.”

Lately, the Universe has been testing me greatly. But as much as I have been tested and changed and cracked wide open, I have also been gifted and carried and lifted so very high. I have been given, in my darkest, most confusing moments the gifts of amazing people, profound wisdom, important lessons, deeply impactful music. Over and over again, these gifts have found me at the exact moment I needed them, giving me energy, peace, strength.

The Universe is wise. So is this song. I hope you feel it as much as I do.

This video is incomplete – but wanted to share anyway.

Ha!  Dontcha love it when you think you’ve got something all figured out, and you’re sitting all smug and Zen-like in your cozy little corner of the world feeling as if you’ve got all the answers you need.  Maybe you even write about it, and publish said writing for the world to see just how cool and together you really are.

Then - out of nowhere - while you are sitting contentedly on a black pleather sofa, sipping ice water and pondering the meaning of life, the universe taps on your shoulder.  As you turn, wondering aloud what the heck Universe might want with you now, Life proceeds to throw a one-two-punch that knocks you on your ass so fast that you don’t even have a second to say ‘WTF?’ before you hit the ground.

Life and the Universe – they’re BFF you know.  Sometimes they invite Karma along for the ride, and the three of them have a rockin’ threesome in the bathroom stall of your neighbourhood bar when everyone is busy looking for love in all the wrong places.  That’s when the crazy shit goes down.  Seriously. 

That just happened to me last weekend.  Uh huh.  I think my butt is still bruised, as a matter of fact, that’s how hard I hit the dirt. 

If I remember correctly, Karma even had the bad manners to stand over me afterwards, taunting me about my arrogance…“Oh, no you di’nt” she said in a sing-song voice, waving her finger in my face.  Then, as I sat there on the side of the road, head spinning, the three of them linked arms and swaggered back into the bar – ready to grind on the dance floor. 

Bitches.

Damn.  I should really know better than to go out for drinks when those three are hanging around.    I mean, all’s well that ends well, and we’re all friends again now.  I’ve learned some lessons and have plenty to meditate on for the next few weeks…but holy shit…those ladies mean business.

Consider me humbled.

This past Saturday my non-profit, The Arizona Birth Network did a special screening of the film The Business of Being Born – produced by Ricki Lake and directed by Abby Epstein.

It was a total success and I’m still riding on the rush of not only pulling off such an event but having it go so very well. We were hoping for 100 people, and to tell the truth, I thought we were being overly optimistic. In the end – we had 154 people attend, organized a panel discussion that included some incredible birth and wellness professionals, including one of the finest OB-GYN’s in the city, pulled in over $2500 in awesome raffle donations, and raised our profile in the community AND a more than respectable amount of money for the organization.

The Birth Network is my baby. Mani and I started it almost three and a half years ago with very humble plans for a small birth circle in her living room. We told ourselves we’d be happy if five people attended. Somehow, someway I became the co-founder and Director of a full-fledged 501c3 organization that holds four monthly birth circles, a monthly doula networking group, publishes a high quality newsletter and organizes special events like the one this past weekend. It is my proudest accomplishment, the first time in my life I took a dream and made it reality – not on my own of course, but with the help of so many incredible women who share my passion for women and birth.

This weekend, seeing all the hard work and dedication come together like that….I can’t even express what it meant to me. It’s easy to get discouraged when you take on such a huge thing, when there always seems to be so much work to do and so few people to do it. But right now I’m on fire with inspiration and ideas and I’m ready to go. Right now, I feel like we can pretty much do anything.

I’m going to post the speech I read as an introduction to the film. We have a video of it, so as soon as I can figure out YouTube I will post that too. I was pretty nervous, as my life does not afford me too many opportunities to practice my public speaking skills – but I think I did okay in the end.

If you have a chance to see this film, please, please, please do.

__________________________________________

My name is Jeanette LeBlanc, and I am the Director and Co-Founder of the Arizona Birth Network. I want to start by thanking my utterly fabulous Board of Directors for their energy and hard work over the last few weeks as we pulled this together. In particular, a huge thanks to Danielle Muns, who spearheaded the efforts, and who kept us all on track with her enthusiasm and belief in this project.

The Business of Being Born doesn’t pull any punches, it doesn’t sugar coat the realities of mainstream maternity care as it currently exists in the US. Some parts of this movie might not be easy for everyone to hear or watch - they directly challenge the status quo and may even cause some feelings of defensiveness. For the birth professionals in the audience - those of us who have dedicated ourselves to serving women and families in birth - the film echoes the truths we have experienced time and time again, and these truths need to be told.

This documentary also shows us glimpses of ‘alternative birth’, which appear even more dramatic juxtaposed as they are with scenes of ‘mainstream’ birth. It shows us birth as it is, and as it can be. We know that birth is often painful, difficult, a lesson in strength and endurance, a life-altering event. In this film we also see birth as we know it can be – beautiful, empowering, euphoric, ecstatic, triumphant and awe-inspiring. We see women who are transformed through their births, and hear the impact that this has on their lives.

For some of you here, the information in this movie may be coming to you for the first time. I urge you to keep your minds and hearts open to its message. For those of us who live in the world of birth, this information is not new. For us, the importance of this film lies not only in it’s powerful content, but in the audience it is reaching, and will continue to reach. This video will be released in theaters in the New Year, and will be available to the public on Netflix early in 2008. There has never been a birth film that has gotten this much attention, or that has been this available to the general public. I hope that after you leave here you will spread the word about this powerful film, so that more and more women seek it out.

Bottom line: the way we give birth matters. The way we are born matters. It matters to us. It matters to our babies. It matters to our society. Birth is a personal issue, it is a cultural issue, it is a healthcare issue, and it is a feminist issue. It is an issue we cannot afford to ignore.

Okay, just a few more random songs that came to me after my first post. I promise I’ll stop with the old favorites now. current faves and local music still to come.

Second Hand News - Fleetwood Mac
This one has been with me since high school. It’s another one of those songs that just makes me smile and gets my body moving. Another one of those driving down the open road, singing at the top of my lungs kinda songs. How can I stay cranky when I hear that beat and the words, “Won’t you lay me down in tall grass and let me do my stuff”. Oh yea baby, of course I will.

Pride (In the Name Of Love) - U2
It just so happens that I believe Bono to be likely the coolest person on earth. Aside from automatic cool factor that just comes from being a rock star, this man is an utter and complete inspiration. His humanitarian work (not the least of which is the ONE campaign and product RED) reminds me how much work there is to be done in the world. His speech at the NAACP awards alone is enough reason to fall in love with him. I’m not a religious person, but that gives me chills. That aside, the music of U2 is simply part of the soundtrack of my youth. Their music is interwoven in the fabric of my memories.

Desert Rose – Sting
Okay, so if there is a race for coolest musician, I happen to think Sting could give Bono a run for his money. I mean, all else aside, there’s that voice and those tantric sex rumors! This is one of those songs that gets me out of my head and into my body. I usually run to hip-hop dance-type music, but this is one of my favorite songs to run to. It has this otherworldy feeling for me, lets me let go of my mind and be in the moment.

Songbird - Eva Cassidy
Eva Cassidy is one of the worlds underappreciated musical greats. She died of melanoma at 33, but in her short life managed to record an incredible library of songs, both original and remakes of classic songs. If you don’t know Eva, do yourself a favour and spend some time discovering her. I have a ton of her songs in my library, and love them all for different reasons. This is the first one I ever heard (on the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies, Love, Actually) and it’s still my favorite. It is my special song for Bella and I to dance to when we need to reconnect.

Water Is Wide – Sarah Mac Lachlan, Jewel, Indigo Girls
This is a live recording from Lillith Fair. We already know how I feel about Sarah, and the Indigo Girls have also been a favorite of mine since college. In this song their voices mesh into such beautiful harmonies – and Sarah’s voice at the end. Oh my. This song is one that reminds me that I can’t do it alone, that sometimes I need to ask for help and that because of the relationships I have cultivated in this life, there is always help available.

Closer To Fine - Indigo Girls
What could I possibly say about what this song has meant to me over the years. I discovered the Indigo Girls early in college and was transformed by their music. They represented something different for me musically – and over the years the lyrics to their songs have helped me make sense of my life over and over again.

“The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine”. Wise words indeed.

Rag Doll - Aerosmith
Some songs are favorites not because you listen to them all the time, or even because they are examples of fantastic music. Sometimes a song sticks around because of it’s power to take you back to a place and time. Aerosmith to me is slumber parties with girlfriends, school dances in darkened cafeterias, the sickly sweet smells of Salon Selectives hairspray and Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth perfume. Have not listened to this song in years, but it’s one of those songs that takes me right back to those days from the first few beats. Everyone needs a little musical nostalgia every now and then.

I try to approach my relationships without expectations or predetermined limitations. I strive to be open to the relationship and accept it for what it is - willing to go where it leads me, follow where it takes me, receive what it gives me, learn what it teaches me, reject what does not feel good to me, and revel in every last second of what does feel good.

It is far easier to stay safe, to protect myself and my gifts by keeping myself closed. Far simpler to decide in advance what a relationship can be, and then scramble to keep it within those parameters. Nice and safe and predictable. But easy and simple is not what I want – I have no real interest in nice and safe. Not now, not that I’ve seen and experienced what lies on the other side.

When someone enters our life we can’t ever really know what they will mean to us or to our journey. We might think we know - we might convince ourselves that we can control how it ultimately plays out based on what we think we want. But control, especially in the complex realm of human interaction, is never anything more than a fragile illusion.

I used to scramble for that control, used to think I could decide when and where and exactly how much someone would impact my life. Figured I could pick and choose who I wanted to let in, and how close they would get. This inevitably led to confusion and disappointment, because I wasn’t willing to acknowledge that I wasn’t the only one with the power to decide. In the process I did probably spare myself some measure of pain, but I know without a doubt that I also missed some beautiful, magical, transcendent moments along the way.

So now I try open myself to the possibility that lies within every interaction, without placing pressure on someone to be something that they are not meant to be for me. I don’t always succeed. Sometimes I find myself slipping into old patterns, putting up walls, projecting my own expectations on someone else’s experience, wanting more – or less – than someone is able to give. But that no longer feels authentic, and I remind myself that I don’t need to be that person. I can leave that behind and let my relationships set their own terms and their own timeline.

When I do that it all just flows. No, not necessarily safe, but nice and simple and easy after all.