somewhere under the rainbow
It’s been a long time coming, this post. More than a year really, months filled with grief, and loss and tears, and joy and liberation and truth and rightness and wrongness and everything in between.
‘I knew all along’ some of you will say, ‘did she really think she was fooling anyone?’ While others of you will feel as if you’ve been run over by a big ole’ truck – no idea at all what was coming.
It’s not a one shot deal, this coming out business. Extracting yourself from a cocoon takes time, determination, a willingness to be exquisitely vulnerable. It feels safer to stay in the space you’re used to, cramped and dark but familiar. Everyone sees that inspiring transformation from caterpillar to butterfly, but did you know that the process of unfurling your wings hurts like fucking hell?
You must be willing to step out of your familiar, comfortable life into the vast, uncharted territory of another. You must step with intention into that wide open space, turn your face to the sky, throw your arms and your eyes and your heart wide open and just pray you’ve got enough grace to accept all that comes. No running away, no hiding, no chance to take it back. You just stand there, more exposed than you ever thought possible and say, “This is my truth”.
It has been the most liberating and the most shattering of experiences. I am free, soaring high, authentic and true, and I am broken, on my knees, sobbing tears that flow without end. I am both more than and less than I was before. But I am me, living fully, loving fully, hurting fully, grieving fully. I am me. And that is enough.
From my journal: 10.21.07
“I want to own this, publicly. I need to do that, first and foremost, for myself. I am not willing to hide, or cower, or cover up who I am. I’m not afraid of encountering prejudice and hatred. I think a part of me almost welcomes the opportunity to counter that hatred with my own self-acceptance. I want to stand and say for the first time in my life, without hint of apology or shame;
“This is who I am – take it or leave it.”
well. wow. I can’t imagine the emotional upheaval you have gone through on this journey. I have read you since your iparenting days and keep you in my google reader because you are an amazing, insightful writer. I am not sure that I have ever commented. Just want to take the time now to say that I hope you feel a freedom that moves you and inspires those around you - though I think you have been doing that all along. I’m sure your path has been bumpy, but I have that the present and future find you well and peaceful.
Comment by amy — 10.23.08 @ 7:21:02
bravo! you are enough. and you are brave, courageous, strong and an inspiration. this is a beautiful post on so many levels.
(i popped over from Flickr)
Comment by tracey — 10.23.08 @ 7:43:47
Jeanette.. GOOD FOR YOU. I of course used to read your blog all the time.. and kid of lost track of you.. anyway.. I am so happy that you have found your truth and have been able to accept it for all that it is.. the good and the bad the happy and the sad.. Not trying to rhyme here.. but seriously I am sure it not an easy road to take but its the right road for you and screw those who dont get it.. the bottom line is to thy own self be true once you do that you can make make others truely happy.. I am truely happy for you.. for finding your peace. Stay Strong.. E.
Comment by Elizabeth Pellette — 10.23.08 @ 8:11:31
yay you!
may this new birth of an old dream give you deep joy and much happiness.
lots of love
Comment by jen lemen — 10.23.08 @ 8:25:24
I knew.
Does that sound crazy? I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading your words for almost 10 years…but I’ve been waiting for this post.
And though again, it may sound crazy, but this internet stranger who shared pregnancy gripes with you so many years ago is sitting here with tears in her eyes and is SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU!
I’m elated for you - I wish you strength and peace. And love…lots of love…
Comment by Bobbi — 10.23.08 @ 8:37:36
wow, i wish i had your strength, you inspire me…
Comment by leigh — 10.23.08 @ 8:38:07
Wow Jeanette, I’ve been reading you since the iParenting days and I must confess that I did not see that coming at all! You are brave and beautiful (inside and out) and I am happy that you are now being true to yourself. I am sure it has been extremely hard but know that another stranger is rooting for you and wishing you the very best!
Comment by Libby — 10.23.08 @ 9:51:46
My bold, brave friend, I stand beside you so very proud.
It has indeed been a year, hasn’t it?
Through it all, the deepest, most authentic parts of your soul have always shined through.
The rainbow looks good on you.
xoxo
Comment by MereMortal — 10.23.08 @ 9:56:50
Bravo. xxoo
Comment by Ninotchka — 10.23.08 @ 10:11:08
Wow. Nope, didn’t see it coming but you don’t update much anymore so… Well, congrats on the public coming out and best of luck as you continue to grow and embrace yourself.
Comment by Bonnie — 10.23.08 @ 10:53:52
I can not lie, I’m not all that smart, but I’m assuming that your saying that you are coming out as a lesbian ? is that correct, again I sometimes don’t get the posts that are not super clear
If this is true, then my blessings and support, I can imagine how difficult this has been (as I knew you were married prior to this) I think being true to yourself is so very important and I think its great that you feel confident to take this step.
Comment by KA — 10.23.08 @ 11:57:40
I’ve been following along this past year, and it sounds silly, but congrats on coming to this part of your journey. You are as always a strong and amazing woman. Best wishes!
Comment by Tara — 10.24.08 @ 12:08:52
I can’t imagine how painful this must be, but it must be such a relief to finally be you. Much love to you as you spread your wings and take flight on the next part of your journey.
Comment by gearhead mama — 10.24.08 @ 1:56:22
again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could just give you a big hug. I feel like I am meeting you for the first time…Your an inspiration.
Comment by Ashley Mcnamara — 10.24.08 @ 5:40:36
again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could just give you a big hug. I feel like I am meeting you for the first time…Your an inspiration.
Comment by Ashley Mcnamara — 10.24.08 @ 5:40:52
Jeanette,
I have missed your posts. I have you on my Google Reader and was happy to see a post from you.
I had no idea what you were struggling with, I knew it was something, but couldn’t put my finger on it.
I am so proud of you. You are beautiful (inside and out), talented and an amazing woman. I have always loved reading your blog and following your life.
We have only met in person a few times (you were the first person I met online, then met IRL and I was completely terrified going to your house, LOL, like some serial killer would be posting on MDC about cloth diapers, LOL), but I enjoyed them all, even just running into each other at Target.
Keep your head up and be proud of who you are and for finally, fully embracing it. I look forward to your posts again. Take care and give the girls our hellos.
Comment by Pepper — 10.24.08 @ 6:20:27
How’s it feel to step out into the light?
I’m so glad you posted this. Especially right now.
Comment by Heather — 10.24.08 @ 6:23:31
Hi there Jeanette! I found your blog through a friend of mine who has followed your work as a photographer. I have read your most recent entry but have a question for you… and I hope you will not take offense to it because I certainly do not mean any disrespect. I read and reread your entry and felt your enthusiasm, and great relief for announcing that you are gay. My question is, how come you didn’t feel free or liberated enough to actually use the term Gay or Lesbian? I “gathered” that this is what you were saying, but, if you are going to come out, come out all the way girl! If you have no shame, fear, or hesitation about posting it, living it, being it… you really should be ok with at least SAYING it…. I’m sure you are thinking “who are you!” I’m not trying to offend you. I just think that if you believe in something, you should have no fear of what others might think. I’m not saying that you should have a “label” for what/who you are, but in truth, if you are ok with being gay and embrace it, the word shouldn’t be something you fear to say. I just sense a bit of hesitation in your post…you were holding back, avoiding saying it, letting the picture of you and the rainbow flag speak for you and I just wondered why? I hope you do not mind me asking…… :O)
Thanks for allowing me to comment.
Comment by jeanette — 10.24.08 @ 7:21:48
Yay for you! Just wanted to send some strength and love your way as you go through this amazing, frustrating, scary, liberating journey. You are so brave and strong and I am glad you are finding peace in becoming the “real” you.
Comment by Chelsea — 10.24.08 @ 6:05:15
J~ I opened your blog (in my favs still from our iparenting days!) and actually got goosebumps when the picture came up. Now I’m just sitting here with a huge smile on my face for you. Strength, love and support from me. xoxoxo
Comment by Tricia — 10.25.08 @ 2:02:26
i thought you were married?
Comment by curious? — 10.25.08 @ 8:13:09
Just: you’re inspiring and beautiful. xxoo.
Comment by Linda — 10.26.08 @ 3:53:22
You have all the grace you need, and more. Be true to yourself, be proud of yourself, and respect yourself.
I love you!
Comment by Alice — 10.26.08 @ 4:52:47
Hi Jeanette, I found your blog link some time ago through MDC. I think it was Queer parenting.
So, this isn’t a surprise to me. I am so proud of you for taking the huge, scary, powerful step into the next chapter of your life. And I agree that the rainbow looks good on you. 
Comment by Danielle — 10.27.08 @ 11:45:55
YOU GO Jeanette
You have every right to be proud and happy and true to yourself. You´re a wonderful person inside & out and I´m so so HAPPY for you *hugs tight*
Comment by Jesse — 10.30.08 @ 6:58:47
I’ve been catching up on all my IParenting favorites tonight. I’m glad I stumbled across this post of yours. I’m so happy that you are finding happiness and joy in your true self.
I was so saddened when our California Prop 8 was passed. I hated driving by all the Yes on 8 signs in my neighborhood. I feel like everyone got it so completely WRONG.
Comment by Jennifer — 11.22.08 @ 6:46:01
How did I miss this post? Jeannette, the sweet voice of compassion that made me feel like I might be able to crawl out of the hole of c-section birth-disappointment back in July 2005, what a year you must have had. I am thinking of how happy I am for you, but also how difficult this must have been—not to make the decision to live your truth, per se, but to do that in the context of the family you had built. I wish all of you joy and peace and love.
Comment by Kori — 12.11.08 @ 12:12:36
This post and your experience has helped me to realize that it’s possible to do it - possible to put it out there. “Coming out” isn’t something I’ve honestly done yet, but bit by bit I hope to live my authentic life. It scares me but I think it will be worth it, and it feels like the time has arrived. Thanks for sharing this.
Comment by Kristen — 01.29.09 @ 4:00:17