Today I came across this passage by author Terry Tempest Williams.  This was one of those pieces of writing that made my spirit both quiet and quicken in the same instant.

I have been thinking a great deal about the act of writing lately, about why I have this insatiable need to write and then to release my words into the universe.  This was the perfect day for me to find this particular passage. 

I can’t wait to sit down later and contemplate this delicious question myself, but for now read this brilliant collection of words (I know it’s a little hard to read without paragraphs, but I love the stream of consciousness of it) and then tell me:

Why do YOU write?

______________________________________________________

"I write to make peace with the things I cannot control. I write to create red in a world that often appears black and white. I write to discover. I write to uncover. I write to meet my ghosts. I write to begin a dialogue. I write to imagine things differently and in imagining things differently perhaps the world will change. I write to honor beauty. I write to correspond with my friends. I write as a daily act of improvisation. I write because it creates my composure. I write against power and for democracy. I write myself out of my nightmares and into my dreams. I write in solitude born out of community. I write to the questions that shatter my sleep. I write to the answers that keep me complacent. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write to the music that opens my heart. I write to quell the pain. I write to migrating birds with the hubris of language. I write as a form of translation. I write with the patience of melancholy in winter. I write because it allows me to confront that which I do not know. I write as an act of faith. I write as an act of slowness. I write to record what I love in the face of loss. I write because it makes me less fearful of death. I write as an exercise in pure joy. I write as one who walks on the surface of a frozen river beginning to melt. I write out of anger and into my passion. I write from stillness of night anticipating- always anticipating. I write to listen. I write out of silence. I write to soothe the voices shouting inside me, outside me, all around. I write because of the humor of our condition as humans. I write because I believe in words. I write because I do not believe in words. I write because it is a dance with paradox. I write because you can play on the page like a child left alone in the sand. I write because it belongs to the force of the moon: high tide, low tide. I write because it the way I talk long walks. I write to bow to the wilderness. I write because it can create a path in darkness. I write because as a child I spoke a different language. I write with a knife carving each word through the generosity of trees, I write as ritual. I write because I am not employable. I write out of inconsistencies. I write because then I do not have to speak. I write with the colors of memory. I write as a witness to what I have seen. I write as a witness to what I imagine. I write by grace and grit. I write out of indigestion. I write when I am starving. I write when I am full. I write to the dead. I write out of the body. I write to put food on the table. I write on the other side of procrastination. I write for children we never had. I write for a love of ideas. I write for the surprise of a beautiful sentence. I write with the belief of alchemists. I write knowing I will always fail. I write knowing words will always fall short. I write knowing I can be killed by my own words, stabbed by syntax, crucified by both understanding and misunderstanding. I write out of ignorance. I write by accident. I write past the embarrassment of exposure. I keep writing and suddenly, I am overcome by sheer indulgence, the madness, the meaninglessness, the ridiculousness of this list. I trust nothing, especially myself, and slide headfirst into the familiar abyss of doubt and humiliation and threaten to push the delete button on my way down, or madly erase each line, pick up the paper and rip it to shreds -and then I realize, it doesn’t matter, words are always a gamble, words are splinters of cut glass. I write because it is dangerous, a bloody risk, like love, to form the words, to say the words, to touch the source, to be touched, to reveal how vulnerable we are, how transient we are. I write as though I am whispering in the ear of the one I love."

From Bonnie:
I want to hear about sweet Bella. Is she still in Pre K and if so how does she (and you) like it? How was the fifth birthday party? What are her passions? What does she do that drives you nuts? How does she charm you? How has she been adjusting now that Julianna is no longer a baby? (Particularly interested in the last one since Ella is now the proud big sister of a three month old herself and, while things are going well so far, I am a little nervous about how they will go once Lorelei is mobile, not to mention able to grab toys…)

Okay – now technically that was far more than one question – but I’ll let you get away with it Bonnie, just ‘cause I like you.

Bella is lovely – I so need to sit down and write her a long, detailed letter in honour of her fifth birthday, but like everything else it gets put aside because I get hyperfocused on silly things like designing Christmas Card Templates.

Her birthday party was great, she insisted on inviting all her most favorite friends and took it all very seriously – giving me a pen and paper a month before the party and dictating a guest list. It was a Dora/Pirate party – as those are her two favorite things.

Her passions: Dora, Dora, Dora. Pirates, Pirates, Pirates (although second, they are a distant, distant second).

What does she do that drives me nuts? Oh – so many things. She’s at least as whiny as me, if not whinier (and trust me when I say that would be an accomplishment, as I’ve had whining down to an art form since my own childhood). She’s demanding, she’s bossy, she’s an alpha dog who likes to get her own way – she knows my buttons and how to press them. Somehow though – I can never stay mad at her for long (and she knows this too).

How does she charm me? She is so loving; she is very giving with affection – both verbally and physically. She has a way of expressing herself that makes me melt. She shares my silly, weird, kooky sense of humor. I think she’s fairly divine.

How is she adjusting now that Julianna is no longer a baby? Most of the time it is fabulous. They are starting to interact on their own more and more – I’ll go into the playroom in the morning to find them sitting on opposite sides of the table colouring together, they love to roll around on the bed together and laugh, have baths together at night. It has been great fun lately to watch them creating their own sisterhood dynamic and watch the growth of this relationship that will be unlike any other for them. I could gush forever about the wonder and miracle and joy of sisters…

Oh – and she fractured her wrist falling off the playground equipment a few weeks back – she gets it off just in time for our trip to Disney in December. The cast still seems quite novel to her, so she’s not really complained too much yet. She really was a trouper through the whole thing.

From Rebekah:
And I want to hear all about your 4 goddesses trip. So here are my questions about that … 1)What stands out as the best part/highlight of that time for you personally? 2) What did you learn about yourself while out there? 3) What did you learn about one of the other ladies that you didn’t expect to learn?
And Melinda:
I agree. Dish on MB, Brooke and Leigh. Spill all your secrets. Does that count as a question?

Oh – yet another thing I must write (gush) about.

The weekend was magical; it refreshed my mind, body and spirit. I could be with those three ladies every moment for the rest of my life and never grow tired of their beauty, wisdom, energy and general goddessness.

The highlight has to be our nights in the hot tub – hours in the warm water under the stars, with just the perfect coolness in the air to make it comfortable. The conversation flowed like buttah, and took a million different turns, at times light hearted and filled with laughter, at times serious and highly emotional. I learned so much about life from those three mystical, strong, powerful, feminine women – I felt like I couldn’t soak it all in fast enough. I wanted the weekend to last forever and ever.

Leigh and Marybeth I’ve known forever. Technically we met while pregnant with our babies – but really, we three have been together for lifetimes upon lifetimes already. I’ve never really experienced anything like it before. Marybeth exudes power and physicality; she challenges me and pushes me farther than most people I’ve known. Leigh is my soft place to fall – I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as immediately comfortable with anyone as I did with her right from the start. I feel like she already knew all my secrets when I met her, so I don’t have to hold up any walls. Together –ah…together they’re just magical.

Brooke?…she’s delicious, from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. More beautiful than her pictures, she’s even better than all my imaginings. Oh so wise, and wonderful, with the most piercing gaze and welcoming aura. I wanted to kidnap her and make her stay longer so I could try to soak in as much of her as I possibly could. I ached inside when she left.

What did I learn about myself…that I have so much to learn, so much growth left ahead of me – and that that is okay. This doesn’t seem like much – but really it is.

What did I learn about them? I’m not at liberty to say. Information gained in the hot tub, stays in the hot tub

From Beth:
What’s your goal/goals right now? What do you want in the next year in your life?

Oy – big question!
1. Get myself organized. I’ve always had flaky tendencies, but they used to be balanced by my Type A compulsions. In the past year I’ve left behind all my anal ways and embraced flakiness full on. I’m a mess, seriously. Feel like my thoughts are pulled in a million directions and I get part of everything done – but never really finish anything. I think I might actually look into hiring one of those organization people to help me get my physical surroundings in order – the mental stuff, however, is all on me.

2. Get the Birth Network back into a period of growth. We’ve been doing great with the status quo, but in the beginning we had such big dreams and plans – I want to recapture some of that energy and enthusiasm in our volunteers and start the New Year with new commitment to making the Birth Network even better than it is.

3. Continue to improve my photography and digital processing skills. I’ve never really felt creative before – and I love the high I get from this new passion of mine. I want to spend time on my technical skills and equal time on developing my own personal style.

4. I want to renew my commitment to gentle, conscious parenting … so much easier with one child than two. Thanks to my friends Phoebe and Melinda, who started a chapter of Attachment Parenting International – I have a monthly meeting to attend that will help me keep on track with my intentions and give me the tools to parent my daughters in a way that matches my ideals and values.

6. Introduce more ritual, tradition and spirituality into my life, and into my family’s daily routine. I feel that our lives have been rather devoid of spiritual connection (and I do NOT mean organized religion – rather a connection to the inside and outside that goes deeper than just existing).

7. Surrender, Surrender, Surrender

8. Get back in shape. I don’t feel healthy. My back aches all the time, I’m always tired, I mentioned above I can’t focus, I feel blah. Aside from problems with clothing fitting - I just want to feel powerful and strong and more alive. So – have joined the Y, started taking my vitamins and Fish oils again, and I’ll go from there.

9. Take a dance class. Dancing brings me so much joy – it is totally ridiculous that I have not managed to take a dance class in years upon years. No good excuse.

10. Write in this damn blog more often

From Marybeth:
So what are your thoughts/emotions regarding co-sleeping with the little wee?

Oh – I am so flaking out on this one. WAY too big for me to get into in a Q&A – but something I totally need to write about in depth soon. Since I have the rest of the month to get through, expect it before the end of 2006!

From Katie:
Election results could not even break that block?
Bah humbug. I am so tired of having no political voice. I feel very political, and can’t do a damn thing about it. Grr….

Still want to know house progress and how the short commute for Sam is working out for you guys.
Um.. House progress…yes – well, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Alas, this is the Sam and Jeanette story, and our little-house-that-could apparently couldn’t – or hasn’t or didn’t. It sits on its lot – not a change made (other than the fact that we’ve killed what I suspect was a lovely peach tree in the middle of the backyard) since we bought the place.

The project is apparently jinxed, and every time we think we see light at the end of the tunnel (or heck, even an empty but functioning light socket inside the tunnel) something else happens that leads us right back to where we started. This has been partially bad luck, partially bad choices and a whole lot of good, old fashioned flakiness, procrastination, disorganization and poor planning.

You want to hear the best part? Sam pushed hard to move directly from our old house into this one. I pushed back even harder. I thought we were going to start work right away, I didn’t want the hassle of moving into a house only to move out a month or two later, I was worried it would be difficult for the girls, etc, etc. Well – turns out Sam was right (ooooohhhhh, you’ve no idea how much I hate it that I have to say that) and that my decision cost our family more wasted money in rent than I can think about without feeling like throwing up. Yes, I’m feeling incredibly guilty; I try not to dwell on it.

Consider yourself warned – if you are ever house hunting and you see a little gem of a house and you imagine how perfect it would be if only you… (fill in the blank with appropriate project, addition, improvement, etc) – take my advice and just. walk. away.

From Nino:
1. Still using the 50mm exclusively? (I am)
Yes, it is. I sometimes feel the limitations of it (shooting my brother’s wedding was a little tough) but I love the lens. I’ve got a bad copy and need to send it in for a second time, but aside from that I just love that lens. My wish list includes a Tamron 28-75 2.8 (although I’d love the Canon 24-70L it is even more expensive) but that will have to wait.

Meanwhile, all the other lenses I bought are gathering dust. Any MWACs out there in need of a 50mm 2.5 Macro, a 75-300 zoom or a good old kit lens? I’ve got some to sell:)

2. Can you give a brief tutorial on f-stops, aperture in different light conditions? (My neighbor has given me some tips but I figure since you use a Canon, you might have some camera specific ones.
Hmmm…now that’s a big question. Are you looking for general information on how ISO/Aperture/Shutter speed work together? The mechanism is the same no matter what sort of camera you use, and I would recommend Bryan Peterson’s book “Understanding Exposure” as a good starting point. As I’ve mentioned before – the forums at ILP are where I’ve learned just about everything. Search the archives and you’ll find threads on everything you could possibly want to know and more. If you tell me more specifically what you are looking for I’ll be glad to try and answer.

Are you shooting in auto now? Manual? If in auto, try moving into either Av Mode (where you control the f-stop and your camera chooses the shutter speed) or Tv Mode (where you choose the shutter speed and your camera chooses the appropriate f-stop). Don’t be afraid to shoot in Manual - the great thing about digital is that all that trial and error is free!

For myself, I try to stick to shutter speeds above 1/200th (I’ve got shaky hands) and f-stops above 3.5 – using the lowest ISO that will allow me to meet those minimums given the lighting conditions.
Anyway, before I ramble on telling you things you already know – ask me some specific questions and I’ll do my best to answer them!

From Mani
What is your favorite childhood memory?
Sheesh – ask a simple question, why don’t you?

Well - I had a pretty damn happy childhood. I’m lucky. Way lucky. I like my family, even my extended family, we’re crazy close, we’re a little odd, we’re loud and obnoxious and we love each other more than you could know. We ate supper together every night, my friends loved to come to my house. We always laughed a lot. My mother was born to be a mother, and she always put playing with us and having fun above having things perfect. Sure, we fought and I went through normal adolescent angst and made everyone miserable – but my memories are overwhelmingly positive.

That being said, I have a crappy memory, so my specific memories (especially of my early childhood) are few and fuzzy. I honestly cannot pick out any one event as happiest, but anything to do with my summers in Cheverie (my own personal heaven on earth for those who have not heard me wax poetic about this little pocket of land by the sea) stand out as just about as good as it gets.

I can only hope my own children have as many good memories when they look back at their childhood as I do when I look back on mine.

Just a MWAC

That’s ‘Mom With A Camera’ in case you are wondering….

I’m going to take the easy way out and answer the photography question first. I’ve had several questions about my photos/camera that I’ve not gotten around to answering, and I just came off a head spinningly busy week – so I’m afraid I don’t have the mental capacity to tackle the birth stuff right now!

Aimee asked:
What type of camera do you use? Just curious. I want your camera and photography skills.
I currently shoot with a DSLR (Digital Single Lens Reflex): the Canon 20D. I also have the 18-55mm ‘Kit’ lens, a 50mm Macro Lens, and a 75-300 zoom (which I’ve never even attached to the camera body).

I finally made the switch to digital right before Christmas, when I received some funds from a savings bond my grandparents had put away for each of their grandchildren years ago. Figuring I’d never again get a windfall like that with no strings attached, I decided to treat myself.

I’ve always loved photography (and have about eight billion photo albums to prove it). The landscapes on my photoblog were taken years ago, before we even moved to Arizona, but most of the photos have been taken since I got the DSLR.

I’ve had a film SLR – the Minolta Maxxum 5 – since Bella was a baby, but never got the guts to take it out of automatic. I was always stingy with my pictures – tallying up the costs of film and developing in my head every time I clicked the shutter. Consequently, I never moved beyond the point of taking good snapshots. Although I’m still partial to film and the capabilities of my beloved Minolta, I knew that I couldn’t possibly have the freedom to experiment and truly improve my skills without going digital.

My main cheerleader was my pal Jen – who I ‘met’ through an iparenting.com email discussion group while trying to conceive Bella . We’ve been great friends ever since. I actually believe that, at one time, I shared my big secret to getting better pictures – a wrinkled white bed sheet thrown over the back of the sofa (I cringe now just to think of it). Check out her business website, and you’ll see that she’s gone far beyond the white sheet and has proven herself immensely talented in the field of photography, as well as graphic design. She is an inspiration to me.

After a million back and forth emails with Jen, picking her brain and driving her nuts with my questions, I finally ordered the 20D and the collection of lenses I currently have when Canon was running their big triple rebate before Christmas.*

I have to admit I was underwhelmed with my camera in the beginning. I had spent a TON of money, and I felt like my pictures were better with my relatively inexpensive film SLR (on auto no less). Part of it was the huge learning curve switching from film to digital, but the other part was my own mistaken assumption that just owning an incredible camera would magically make my photographs incredible. If there is one thing I have learned for sure thus far; a great camera does not a photographer make. It takes a real pro to turn out consistently good images shot after shot, and a real pro could take better pics with a point and shoot than I could get with the most expensive camera on the market. Lesson learned.

How do you get such beautiful, candid shots?
Behind the scenes:
Lots and lots and lots of practice. Lots and lots and lots of reading. Learning to look critically at photographs – really, really look at them and decide what I like and what I don’t like. Giving thought to what want my style to be, finding really good photographers who have the same style and spending time absorbing their photos. Asking questions. Understanding the exposure triangle. Learning the techniques involved in having control over a camera, and the art of seeing creatively. Patience. Watching light dance. Trying different techniques and settings. Taking bad pictures and learning from them. Getting used to seeing the world as it looks through the viewfinder.

In the moment:
Getting down to the level of a child. Being cognizant of light, reflection, shadow. Trying different angles, unexpected vantage points. Getting close. Getting closer. Moving away. Staying steady. Capturing everyday moments. Setting up special moments. Always, always carrying my camera. Paying attention to eye contact. Watching for catchlights. Hoping my subjects forget I am there. Taking pictures. Taking more pictures. Taking even more pictures.

After the fact:
Becoming my own toughest critic. Posting my results for commentary – even when it hurts. Photoshop. Learning from my mistakes. Blowing the photo up big on the screen and scanning each part for details I missed while shooting. Using creative cropping to add more impact. Asking for help from those more experienced.

Seriously though– I have so far to go. Photography seems to be one of those areas where the more you know, the more you realize you have to learn. I love the compliments you all have sent my way – ego stroking is always a happy thing – but I have to admit that I look at my pictures with a very critical eye now. Many of the pics posted on my photoblog I would never post for critique because there are so many thing wrong with them (trust me). The more I learn, the more I am able to see I have to work on.

I’ve only been shooting fully manual for about a month, and although I’ve come a long way since December, I have so far to go. My biggest challenge thus far is definitely focus. You don’t realize how hard it is to get truly sharp images until you have the ability to blow up said images until just your one eye fills your screen. I’m working hard on it – but have to admit that I’ve gotten really frustrated and discouraged lately. Tack sharp focus eludes me on the majority of my photos. I know I can do it, because I’ve gotten a few tack sharp shots (mostly of other people’s children – kids who actually stay still for more than a fraction of a second at a time).

I’ve also learned that my reflexes are not near as fast as they should be - I miss a great many shots because I’m just not fast enough to click the shutter in time. Exposure it tough too, but I’m beginning to understand the relationship my camera has with light and how to work with it. I think I’ve got a decent eye for composition – although I’m trying hard to shift myself from cropping in camera (which you do when you shoot film) to leaving room to crop photos after the fact (which gives you more creative options with digital).

One thing I am not right now is at all consistent, and consistency is essential in a photographer.

The style I aspire to is totally candid, almost photojournalistic style photographs – which are far harder to capture than one might think. With my experience so far, I actually think that setting up a backdrop and getting someone’s attention to take a stationary photo is far easier for me than really seeing everyday moments with creativity and originality (and then being good enough to shoot them correctly). To really be good at this type of photography you’ve got to work with ever changing backgrounds and lighting conditions – and you really have to have a handle on quickly getting your camera set to obtain correct exposure. There is a great possibility with this type of photography of turning out nothing more than appealing snapshots – and I want to do more than that. My main inspiration to develop this style are photographers like Jinky and Tara Whitney. If I could get to be a fraction as good I’d be content – but right now I’m a long ways off.

Which brings me to the next question…

Do you take a million pictures to get those really great shots on your photoblog?

Maybe not a million – but lots and lots and lots. That is the beauty of digital; I have the ability to take the same picture from different angles, with different settings as many times as I need to in order to get what I want. Of course, because I’m still a fumbling amateur, I’m still not getting what I want most of the time, but I think I’m inching a little bit closer.

My camera organizes pictures into folders, each folder holding 100 images. I am on folder 22. You do the math. So, I’ve taken over 2200 images, and it really is trial and error at this point.

The other important thing to realize is that Photoshop (or similar editing software) is an essential tool in digital photography. At first I thought I was cheating if I used Photoshop, but the more examples I have seen of real photographers before and after post processing pictures, the more I understand that good photoshop skills are to the digital photographer what good darkroom skills are to the film photographer.

Even more importantly, I’ve learned that you can’t fake sharp focus or correct exposure after the fact. Sometimes, in the case of things like underexposure, colour casts or white balance issues, you can come close – but the best photographers get it right in camera. Photoshop can make a good photograph great, but it cannot make a mediocre photograph anything but an obviously fixed mediocre photograph. The best photographers get it right SOOC (straight out of camera) and then make it amazing with a few simple adjustments or conversions.

Photoshop is a very complex program, and I’m not even close to understanding the majority of the tools. I’ve seen some examples of photoshop enhancements that have amazed me. So – I’m not only trying to learn the basics of photography, but of a very powerful piece of software as well. This short journey has humbled me, and made me realize what a mix of art and technique go into the making of photographs that stop you in your tracks. Photography is an art AND a science. It ain’t as easy as it looks.
I have no plans to become anything other than a MWAC. My day (and night jobs) keep me busy enough. But photography fulfills me in much the same way that writing fulfills me, and pushing myself to improve is challenging and exciting and fun. So, I want to keep learning and growing and improving…I hope the photos I post in my photoblog will reflect that growth.

For the closet MWACs out there:
Thought I would share some of the most helpful resources I have come across:

Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson. It does assume a minimum amount of knowledge – but is incredibly informative and easy to read. I learned a huge amount by reading though the book and playing with my camera settings as the author describes.

www.ilovephotography.com
I am completely and totally addicted to this site. Check out the Just Starting Out forum. This is where I have learned almost everything I know at this point. I’ve spent far too much time reading and rereading the forums, posting my photos for critique and learning from the constructive criticism given to others who are working to improve their skills. There are some very talented and experienced photographers who spend a great deal of time helping newbies like myself. Although the majority of people here are either professional or on track to becoming professional photographers, they are very welcoming of people who just want to learn photography for personal fulfillment. Go ahead, work up the nerve to post a photo for cc (constructive criticism) I guarantee you will learn from it, and take better pictures next time.

Beware: when I first started lurking here I got really depressed. When you see the caliber of photos being posted in Just Starting Out, you may feel as if there is no hope for you…but when I went back into the archives and looked at photos posted by my favorite photographers a year or so ago, I was amazed at their progress. Everyone has to start somewhere, and you don’t become a good photographer without a lot of hard work and a healthy dose of humility.

http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/
I’ve spent a great deal of time at this site as well (admittedly less since discovering ILP). They’ve got a great Photo Gallery for posting photos for cc, as well as a pretty good message board for questions. This board does not move nearly as quickly as the Just Starting Out board at ILP, so I think it is a little less intimidating to start out with.

Any more questions:)

* Hindsight being what it is – I wish I’d done more research and not been swayed by the big rebate, because I would have chosen different lenses if I had known more about what I would want and need. If you want to invest serious money in a camera set up, I can’t stress enough that you should learn as much as you can about photography and what you want to accomplish before sinking a bunch of cash into a system. I would have ditched the kit lens and the zoom entirely, bought another small, fast wide angle zoom, and gotten a better, faster 50mm, or another prime lens like a 35 or 28mm.

A few of you have mentioned, in comments or via email, that you’ve been curious about Julianna’s birth - but have not wanted to ask. I swear I didn’t mean to be so mysterious! Although I haven’t gotten to where I’m totally ready to write the complete birth story - I’m happy to share the details. So go ahead, ask away. If you’ve got any questions about the birth, general or specific, please post and I’ll do my best to answer. Who knows - perhaps this exercise will get me on my way to writing the birth story - at the very least I should get some good cut and paste sections out of it!

Rebekah Asked:
I’ve been wondering what Julianna’s personality/temperament is like, and how she is similar to or different than Bella in that way.

From my iParenting Diary (Julianna is the exact same age today)
“November 8th 2001 – 7 weeks, 1 day
…My sweet Bella is growing so fast. Every day she is more alert and interested in her surroundings. She often refuses to be carried all cuddled in my arms any more, but demands an outward facing position so that she can take in all the sights and sounds of world around her. She is so very strong, lifts her head high and props herself up on her forearms when lying on her tummy. She tries so hard to roll over when lying on her back, and will reach with all her might to get to the toys hanging on the side of her crib. She loves to be held in a sitting position and can keep her head upright for long periods of time. I don’t think I got the serene cuddly baby I imagined, she is too interested in exploring her world. I think she is going to be such a fun baby, but I am starting to get worried that I may have to childproof much earlier than expected! She will wake up in them morning and spend about a half-hour just laughing at her mobile and crib toys…

Julianna is, for the most part, nothing like her big sister. As I expected even before her birth, the new girl has a totally different personality. Bella was a mischievous little imp right from the beginning; Julianna is a sweet and gentle soul. Bella always seemed to be rushing ahead to the next milestone, Julianna seems content to be right where she is and watch the world go by (whereas Bella wanted to attack the world head on).

Julianna prefers to be held facing inwards – and just melts her entire body into whoever is holding her, laying her head against their chest and wrapping her arms around them. She is a little cuddlebug. She is not physical the way Isabella was, she much prefers being in arms to exploring her surroundings and exercising her little body. Bella rolled from tummy to back at shortly past three weeks (I think) and Julianna doesn’t seem to have the slightest interest in trying (sometimes she’s content to lay where you place her, mostly she just wants to be picked up again)! Bella was full of laughter, a joker from the start. Julianna is serious – I’m not quite sure it is possible to label a not-quite-two-month-old introspective, but that is what she seems to be. She will stare into my eyes without wavering and I swear she knows all the secrets of the universe. She does smile and laugh and coo occasionally – but you’ve got to catch her at the right time, and she makes you work for it. But oh, when she smiles – it would melt the hardest heart in existence. On the other hand, when she cries, it is a cry of utter agony and heartbreak. This little girl feels things deeply, just as I knew she would. Bella seemed to coming roaring to life the minute she took her first breath, Julianna seems to have eased into herself, so that every day we get more and more glimpses of the girl she will become.

How are they similar? Well – they are both absolutely divine!

Are you finding the baby stage to be easier this time around, or is it just as hard?
It is just has hard in some ways. It is still heartbreaking to hold a crying baby and not have a clue how to help. It is still hard to wake up at 2am (and 4am and 6am) when all I want to do is sleep. It is still hard to walk around in clothing covered in spit up, and not eat lunch till dinnertime. It is hard to figure out how to balance the needs of a demanding and determined four year old who’s had her world rocked in a huge way, with the needs of a demanding and determined infant who hasn’t even begun to understand her world yet. It is especially hard to let go of my own selfish needs and wants, and not feel resentful about it.

Still, I got to say that it is easier in many ways too. Well – maybe it’s not that the baby stage is easier, but rather that I am more at ease with it.

I’m not as tense, not as nervous. I know that as hard as a stage is, it will eventually pass (and often be replaced by something harder). I know we’ll survive, and that my many mistakes won’t screw her up for life (I’ll have plenty more chances for that when she’s a teenager). I’m better at surrendering to the moment, and to her needs. I’m better at accepting her for who she is, not who I thought she would/should be. I fought hard against Bella, thinking if I only read the right books, did the right things, found the magic combination – that she’d turn into the baby that I thought she should be. My biggest gift to Julianna is that I am determined to embrace the baby I’ve been given, instead of attempting to create the one I thought I wanted.

Kellie Asked:
How has your marriage changed by having children?
Funny, it is hard to remember exactly what our relationship was like prior to Bella. I think we’re going through a similar adjustment this time, only this time we realize that it does take time to find your equilibrium again as husband and wife – and that the growing pains we have are normal and natural. I think our marriage is a strong one, and although being married with children is infinitely harder than just being married – it is infinitely richer too. I often wonder what on earth we did before our kids came along – how were we not bored?!?

Will you have more children?
When we first got married, I said I wanted four children, Sam said two.

I said four. He said, “Watch it - you keep pushing and I’m going to stop at one”.

After Bella was born, Sam said three; I said let me figure out two first…

Still – we’ve kinda been going on the assumption that we both hoped for three children. This last birth was difficult enough that I did spend some time questioning that, wondering if I was strong enough to face the possibility of things going the same way again. I think I’ve come through that enough that I’m fairly certain we’ll be trying for number three at some point. However, I’m still reserving my final answer till I see how well I cope with two!

Have you had people ask about you *trying* for a boy?
No – actually, nobody has asked us that…yet. I assume that if we do decide to go ahead and try for a third child, we’ll get asked that question many times. I do love the idea of having a little boy, but then again – three girls sounds absolutely marvelous (imagine the clothes!).

Actually, tonight we’re on the third hour of relentless screaming and I want to crawl under a rock somewhere far away – so right now two sounds like more than enough!

What’s the best thing about being a mom of two?
Seeing my two girls together. Bella loves to give her hugs and kisses, and to talk to her and try to calm her down when she is crying. For the first little while she didn’t pay too much attention to the new girl, but in the last few weeks, as Julianna is more and more alert and aware and responsive, Bella is really falling under her spell.

Aside from that, the best thing about doing this the second time is that I know I got through the first with my sanity (somewhat) intact. I feel more confident, more relaxed, more able to go with the flow. I’m not asking a million questions a day (I’m down to about a hundred thousand) or looking up every little twitch or quirk in a book to make sure it is normal. I find myself more able to just be in the moment, instead of looking ahead to see what will come next, or wishing the moment away dreaming of a day when things are easier. Actually, having done this before – it is easy to see how that (aside from the sleep thing), parenting does not get much easier than this!

What’s the worst thing about being a mom of two, or the hardest part of being a parent of two?
How frequently both of them need me at once (and they always seem to be on different stories of the house when it happens). It is so hard to have to say no to Bella to take care of Julianna, or to have to let Julianna cry for a bit because I am in the middle of helping Bella with something. It is VERY hard to make sure that Bella gets all the love and attention and mommy-time that she needs, because Julianna’s needs are so immediate. I would imagine that this dilemma is understood by every one other there who has more than one child.

Oh – and the lack of sleep. Always the lack of sleep. Fix that issue – and I might have ten kids.

Then again, I might not.

Alice Asked:
I have been wondering how Bella is doing. Have you seen many changes in her? Is she proud to be a big sister? Is she helping with Julianna?
Bella is doing pretty wonderfully – she loves her baby sister - it is her parents she doesn’t seem to like most of the time. I fear she blames us all the changes that have been taking place, and holds us accountable for her status demotion. She’s had no issues of sibling rivalry or jealousy, but has had quite a few bad moments - tantrums/acting out/whining/melt downs, etc. Hopefully she’ll settle in soon.

She loves to help me pick out which diaper I’ll use, and to supervise diaper changes (she won’t actually touch anything - ick), and to get me a burp cloth, or pick Julianna’s clothes or pajamas. She adores her baby sister, and I love hearing her talk baby talk to Julianna – mimicking the things Sam and I say pretty much word for word. She cannot wait for Julianna to be a bit bigger so that she can play with toys, and teach her things.

Also, how about Sam? Does he find it difficult to balance his time at home between the two girls?
Yes, I think he is finding the juggling act harder than expected. He has a lot of responsibilities at work, as the team of software developers he manages keeps growing, but he wants to be here at home with us as well. He is the most wonderful father though; we’re blessed to have him. He is so devoted us, and has an admirable work ethic. He cleans, he cooks, he’ll wake up at night just to tell me he feels guilty there is not more he can do. (In the immortal words of Salt N Pepa – Ooh, What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man).

Jess Asked:
I’d like to know how Bella’s 4th birthday went and how you all celebrated/plan to celebrate. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/Jeanettelb/birthdaycrop.jpg
Actually, we were really blessed. My good friend Margaret offered to throw Bella a small party at her house. It was just Margaret’s family (Ethan – age 4 and Ella - age 2) and Bella’s best friend Taylor and her family, and my parents and sister. We had a wonderful time, swam in the pool, ate good food, shared wonderful conversation while the kids played. My father and Margaret’s husband Luke finished off the night with an impromptu guitar session – playing old hits like ‘Me and Bobby McGee’ and favorites from my childhood like ‘On Top of Spaghetti’. Margaret took care of everything from cake and craft activities for the kids to balloons and goodie bags. How many people are lucky enough to have friends who would do such a wonderful thing? We were really touched and grateful, and Bella had a wonderful time. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/Jeanettelb/swimming.jpg

Bella’s big present was a two wheeler bike (because four-year-olds do NOT ride tricycles). She’s been excited about this for ages (ever since she was three-and-three-quarters at least) and couldn’t wait for the big day to arrive. She spent ages checking out all the bikes and trying them out around the store, but in the end picked a bright blue Hot Wheels bike with yellow flames – because it was ‘the coolest’. The Barbie and Princess bikes just could not compete. I love that she chose what she liked, and didn’t limit herself to the “girl” bikes. She looks so big racing around the neighbourhood on that bike – I can’t believe that my baby girl is four.

The other big excitement came in a birthday card from my grandmother. She was thrilled just to have mail addressed to her, but when she opened it and saw that it contained a twenty-dollar bill, she was in total awe. She dropped her funds today on a very hip pair of pink cowboy boots (complete with rhinestones and silver chain). She tried on every pair they had in her size, before settling on these ones – quite amusing our fellow shoppers with her continuous musings (“Mommy, men are not beautiful…well, when they go to weddings they are beautiful…other times, they are just stinky”).

She came home and had to get dressed like a cowgirl right away. Shirt with pearl buttons, pink handkerchief, denim skirt and the new boots. I thought the look was complete and was ready to take a picture when she realized she had forgotten her pink cowboy hat. She ran to get it, shouting to me to wait till she had the hat (‘cause then I’ll be real-er Mommy”). We thought it couldn’t get any better, but then Sam fashioned her a lasso out of a piece of rope he found in the garage (“Dad – do you know how to tie a slip knot?). Our little wrangler headed out into the backyard to try and catch her a couple of ornery dogs (“cows don’t live in neighborhoods Mommy – don’t-cha know??”). When that didn’t go so well she threw the loop over her head and took off running around the yard (“We’ll I can’t catch a cow, so I’ll just pull myself”).

The last thing she chose to do with her birthday money has made me the proudest mom in the world. We were watching Oprah, who was showing clips of the devastation from Katrina. We had not really talked to Bella about it, so I explained that there was a very big storm and that many families had lost their homes. Bella was immediately worried about all the children that lost their toys, and she went – of her own accord – and took three dollars out of her purse and asked me to put it in an envelope to send to Oprah. She also wanted to go on the Oprah.com Website and choose something to send to the Katrina victims (Oprah has sort of a wedding registry type deal – where you can choose household furnishings for families who will have to rebuild). She immediately decided that we should purchase blankets (“so that everyone can be cozy and warm”). I am seriously, seriously proud that she realized that she had something of her own to give to people who had less, and that she didn’t hesitate to do it. That’s my girl!

How do Julianna and Isabella compare as newborns?
I talked about their personality differences above – so I guess I’ll cover physical differences here.

Most obviously – Julianna is a chunky-monkey. Soft and squishy, roly-poly. Bella was petite and dainty, skinny little legs and no belly at all. Julianna is just a long series of rolls, from her double chin, to her pudgy belly, to her big ‘ole chubby thighs. At one month, Julianna could wear clothing that Bella wore at three months. She weighed a little over 12 pounds at seven weeks, Bella was 12lbs 12 oz at four months!

Julianna has dark eyes and a darker complexion; Bella has dark blue eyes and pale skin. At this point, most people say Bella looks like me, but I think Julianna is going to take after Sam’s side of the family.

What is Julianna’s schedule (or day, shall we say) like?
Schedule? Ha! Excuse me while I go laugh uproariously.

We’ve really got no daytime schedule at all – up until recently she has tended to sleep late (till 10 or 11) several mornings a week - which has been really nice. However, it seems as if she’s beginning to fall into our household routine, waking around the same time as Sam gets off to work. I know it will be more convenient in the long run if she’s on the same schedule as the rest of us – but I was really loving the downtime in the morning. Right now (8am), Bella is still asleep and Julianna is napping – so I’m able to steal a few minutes and hopefully finally get this posted (I started writing almost a week ago).

Somedays she has a few really nice long naps, other days she has a seemingly endless series of ten-minute catnaps (waking up shortly after she is put down). Nights have been the worst. She has had a period somewhere between 7 and 11 pm where she is obviously in pain, and cries inconsolably. It seems like as soon as we get her calmed down, she starts screaming again. She also spits up more than any baby I have ever seen – it is seriously crazy.

I’ve recently given up all dairy (oh boy, it is harder than I thought), and things seem to be improving (knock wood). I’m looking into applied kinesology for muscle testing to check for other food sensitivities (I have a strong family history of allergies and digestive problems, and was on antibiotics for a month during my pregnancy, which also predisposes Julianna to allergies and other issues with her gut). I’ve also given her some probiotics as well to help establish good gut flora, and we use homeopathic colic remedies and Gripe Water when she gets really bad. Ironically, after deciding to give up dairy, I discovered that both the homeopathic remedies and the probiotics contain dairy, so I might have been hurting her as much as I was helping her! Live and learn.

She has already been adjusted by my chiropractor, which I believe has helped (she experienced so much manipulation during her birth that I took her in the first time at five days of age) – so she’ll continue to see her on a regular basis. Beyond that, I’m considering Osteopathic Manipulative Therapy, as I’ve heard that has been very helpful for babies with similar issues.

Actually – this question brings up another difference in Bella and Julianna. Bella was a baby of structure and routine right from the get go. She thrived when things were dependable and predictable, and to this day tends to do poorly in unstructured environments. Julianna, thus far, seems to be much more of a ‘go with the flow’ kind of girl. We’ll see if this remains true as time goes on.

What are you finding to be the biggest rewards and challenges of being a mom of two, up to now?
Answered above!

How is sleep going?
I refuse to answer that on the grounds that every single time I’ve ever given an even remotely positive answer to a sleep related question, it all goes to hell shortly thereafter. This time around, my lips are sealed!

How is your body re-adjusting to not being pregnant after #2? Was/is it a harder recovery than last time? Easier? Did you have the dreaded afterpains I’ve heard about?
My body seems to be doing fairly well. I have no idea what I weigh, as I ditched my bathroom scale at some point during my pregnancy, did not do weight checks with my midwife, and have not checked since Julianna was born. I’ve still got that squishy bread dough tummy, lots of extra stretched out flesh, and my hips are not where they used to be. I’m gradually fitting back into some of my regular clothes (others won’t see the outside of my closet for a long, long time - thank heavens for those elastic waist skirts).

I’m planning to go back to the gym when Julianna is three months old. Because I want to avoid weight checks and body measurements I am going to ask my trainer to help me come up with a plan to train for a 5K sometime in the new year. I figure that will give me a measurable goal to work towards, and motivation to keep going. After I complete my first race (and fit into my old jeans) I’m planning to reward myself by buying an outfit so expensive it will threaten to give me a heart attack (Brooke–oh girl-of-impeccable-taste: I’ll be looking for you input when the time comes)!

Speaking of my body - my breasts are freaking gigantic! With Bella, they stayed the same size as pre-pregnancy (which, quite frankly, was more than big enough). This time they are insanely huge. I bought some nursing bras at the end of my pregnancy and I just about fall out of them…. [If there are any busty nursing moms out there reading this, I could use some suggestions for good, supportive nursing bras that don’t look like they belong to my grandmother].

Yes, the recovery was harder. My post partum bleeding this time was much more serious (normal is generally defined as anything less than 500cc – they estimated my blood loss at just under two liters – or 2000 cc). I left the hospital with a hemoglobin level of around 7.7 (normal would be 12-18, mine was 11 at 36 weeks), and a hematocrit of 23 (normal would be between 36 and 44). I was pretty weak. If you check out this picturefrom the hospital – you can see how lovely my colouring was. It took me until after my transfusion to really be able to get up and walk without feeling very dizzy. As the nurse said right before my transfusion “Right now we’re aiming to make you just plain old anemic!”.

The afterpains? You don’t really want to know about my afterpains. To be fair, I had something else going on, and I believe the degree of pain I felt was related to my bleeding problems. That being said, I think that the pain I experienced afterwards was probably worse than that of my labour (which was like four hours of transition). The official reason for transport was excessive post partum bleeding – but in my mind I was going to the hospital as much for drugs as I was to get the bleeding under control. [Before the ambulance was called I had been begging Marinah and Robin for the percocet in my medicine cabinet, left over from my kidney stone incident. They said no. Mean midwives.]. I was in agony until they delivered my blessed morphine injection. I lurve that stuff.

So – I don’t think my experience was anything like the norm, and most people I know just take ibuprofen or a natural tincture called Afterease.

I just realized that I’ve shared a whole lot of negative info about my birth and I just want to assure you all that I’m okay with how things went. I was at home when I needed to be at home (Julianna would have been born by cesarean in hospital) and I was in the hospital when I needed to be in the hospital. The system worked exactly the way it is meant to work, and is a testament to the safety of homebirth - even when one of the “what ifs” occurs. I was treated with great love at home, and with kindness and respect in the hospital. I’ve had a lot of processing to do, and I’m sure that will continue for some time, but I feel good.

Amy Asked:
Where is everybody sleeping?
Well – would it surprise you to know that the anti-co-sleeper is now the proud owner of one cramped family bed? We didn’t really plan for it, but somehow the new girl just seems to fit nicely in between us, although I’d kill for a king size bed. I’m not sure how long we’ll stick with the current arrangement, but for now it is working.

I love having her next to me at night (although she seems to act like some sort of heat seeking missile, grunting and groaning and twisting her way until she’s stuck against my side – and I’m hanging off the edge of the bed). I feel safe with her near me, and it feels so wonderful to be able to open my eyes and see her sweet face right next to mine. On the other hand, I really miss cuddling with Sam, and tossing and turning at night without worrying about waking her, or hitting her with my pillow. I’ve started putting her into her crib for naps, so we’ll see if we’ll start transitioning her to sleeping there for part of the night at some point. For now though, I’m happy with our arrangement.

Did you figure out how to nurse side-lying?
Grr – we did, and it was heavenly, I felt so much more rested, even when she was waking just as often. She’d make her little feed-me noises at night, I’d half wake up, latch her on and drift in some half-asleep oblivion until she was finished nursing. Then just gently move her back to the top of the bed and conk out again myself. The last few nights though she just won’t settle into a good nursing pattern until I sit up. Until then, she’ll latch and pull off, wiggle her body like crazy, and generally drive me nuts. She’s also not falling asleep as easily afterwards, I’ve had to get up and rock her, or Sam will bounce her on the exercise ball. Not sure what is up with that…

What sling/carrier is your favorite? Does Julianna like them?
Oy – so many carriers, so hard to decide. Right now I’ve got a Taylor Made Sling in organic cotton mesh that I really like, very lightweight and soft, and it cups my shoulder comfortably (although I think the rings are too large for the thin material). I’ve also got a very hip Pucci-esque Hotslings pouch that is a bit too large – I’ve got to either send it back for an exchange or try to shrink it down myself. While my mom was here she made me another ring sling (Maya Wrap Style) in a dressy light blue fabric, and a bright yellow mesh sling like this one for the shower and pool. She also made me a stretch khaki pouch, and a stretchy wrap sort of like the Moby. We’ve also got a Baby Bjorn from when Bella was a baby, that is the only carrier Sam will wear. The next thing I want is this.

I love the pouch my mother made, it is so easy and comfortable, I bring it everywhere because it folds up very small in my gargantuan diaper bag. With smaller rings, I’d wear my Taylor Made all the time – it fits very well, but tends to slip so I’m adjusting it often. The Wrap is incredibly comfortable, it distributes her weight very evenly - this would be my pick for longer outings or walks, and works well for wearing her for around the house. I’m only just beginning to figure out how to put it on right, so she doesn’t end up in too loose – and it is a lot of material, so it would be way too warm for an Arizona summer. The mesh water sling is very comfy, so lightweight and it dries incredibly quickly. Julianna loves the shower, so this is getting a lot of use. If it wasn’t such a vivid bright yellow (only type of mesh they were selling at the time) I think I’d probably use this a lot next summer.

Unfortunately, I went five weeks without a chiro adjustment, so I have been having a hard time wearing her for any length of time lately. I’m back to weekly adjustments for now (expensive, but worth it) so hopefully my back will be better soon.

Right now I’d say Julianna likes the cradle hold in the pouch, or tummy to tummy in the ring slings/wrap the best. We’ve started wearing her facing out in the Bjorn, and she is very content checking out the world – but she doesn’t seem to have enough head control to do kangaroo hold in the slings/pouch yet. I have still not mastered the art of nursing in the sling. Anyone want to come visit and teach me.

Jenn Asked:
Let’s see, how are you feeling, other than being tired which is mandatory:) I mean feeling emotionally and physically?
I am feeling pretty darn good, all things considered. I am tired – but I think I’m rolling with the punches (even the sleep deprivation) so much better this time. Emotionally, I’m feeling more and more like myself as time passes. I felt like my brain came back to me shortly after Julianna was born, so I’ve been able to step up to the plate with the Birth Network again, which makes me feel useful and fulfilled. All in all, I have nothing to complain about (oh – but you can be sure I’ll invent something here and there, just so you all won’t be too jealous…)

Seeing as they are both girls, have you indulged in any more shopping for Julianna or is she a hand-me-down lass?
Oh dear. So much for another girl being cheaper because I already have everything. I’m betting those of you who know me well could have predicted that I’d keep right on shopping – and that is exactly what I have done. Granted, I only shop at thrift stores, and none of her outfits cost more than $3.00, but it is still pretty silly when you see how much clothing she owns. I’m rationalizing it because it helps me spread out my laundry days, she goes through so many outfits in the run of a day, if she didn’t have a sizeable wardrobe I’d be living in the laundry room! My other excuse for buying is my desire to be totally cheesy and take photos of my girls in matching outfits. [Anyone know where I can find this dress

Has she starting to grace you with some smiles?
She is starting to give more smiles, and coos. Every night in her bath/shower she spends several minutes having a huge conversation with this orange inflatable fish that sits next to Bella’s bath toys. It is totally priceless.

Is there anything you didn’t have last time that you have this time?
Well – as you read above, I’ve got far more baby carriers! I actually had to buy a lot of stuff this time, as we borrowed pretty much everything the first time around. I can’t think of anything in particular that we have that we didn’t have the first time, but I bet something will come to me as soon as I post this!